There is so much love, so much passion and so much intimacy that comes with human connection. It is intense and unfiltered, and if you are anything like me, you let it consume your entire being, as you subconsciously give power to those that you have ever loved and cared for.
To so many, this is seen as a weakness. I have never given in to this notion. It is not weak for you to allow people to hold a place in your heart or in your mind. For you to give your unwavering trust and devotion to people with whom you have a connection.
Power vs. Overpowering
It is important to note that holding power and being overpowering don’t always coexist.
Human nature almost instills emotions such as empathy, compassion, codependency and maybe even acquiescence in us. However, it is up to the individual to know when to fight such urges, or else, before you have time to process it, your mind begins to hold resentment for the power you allowed your “closest” friends or partners to have.
That is the keyword. Allowed, because while there are so many aspects of life that are out of our control, especially when you are still in school, people often fail to realize that the one thing you can control is who you allow access to your heart.
Whenever I find myself in a position where I am being shown such mass inconsideration at the hands of people I would bend for, I notice how fast I am to swallow those emotions. And if I ever manage to speak about it to a confidant, I constantly give them the benefit of the doubt.
Something I could never possibly regret doing because by loving someone and having them know the importance of their place in my life, it is almost as if I agreed to do so forever. To never doubt their character or intentions toward me. A silent contract I almost live by.
Why did I mention this?
To highlight how, without ever saying it out loud, we create silent contracts with the people we love.
Contracts that say: I will understand you, even when you hurt me. I will give you grace, even when I am the one who needs it. I will not question your intentions, because loving you means trusting you—always.
But the issue with silent contracts is that they are rarely mutual. They are not conversations that were had, nor boundaries that were agreed upon. They are expectations we quietly place on ourselves, and then project onto others without ever realizing it.
And because of that, we begin to hold people accountable to a version of loyalty, patience, and understanding that they never explicitly promised to give us. And maybe this is not just me. Maybe this is something that happens more often than we are willing to admit, especially in college, where friendships can feel like everything.
When you find your people, you hold onto them tightly. You excuse things you normally wouldn’t. You tell yourself it is not that serious, that this is just how adult friendships are, that conflict is normal and maybe you are just overthinking it.
And slowly, without realizing it, you start to tolerate things that chip away at your self-respect. Not all at once, but in small moments that you convince yourself do not matter enough to address.
Where do you draw the line?
But there is a difference between understanding people and excusing them. There is a difference between being easygoing and being overlooked.
And being in college—being in any stage of life—does not mean you have to accept less just to keep people around.
Sometimes, the most honest thing you can do is accept that not everyone is meant to have the same level of access to you forever.
Sometimes loving people from a distance is not cold or dramatic. It is respect. It is choosing yourself without needing to stop caring about them.
Maybe that is the one condition we should start adding to these silent contracts.