Avoidant Attachment. A therapy buzzword thrown around on tiktok relentlessly– and a label I’ve come to adopt regarding relationships with men. I can never seem to be utterly vulnerable or trust men completely, which leads to a lot of relationships that are surface level, and yet I ruminate on them needlessly over and over again in my head. But am I really an avoidant person? How does this affect my relationships and how I think about people in my life? Will it be like this forever– left to ruminate on relationships and never have the intimate, close relationships it seems like everyone else is in?
My avoidance comes in waves, usually corresponding to the seasons. Spring and summer are when I feel most comfortable talking to boys and exploring connections with them. It feels safe and freeing, something fun to do to get to know new people. And then, the fall hits. I hate the idea that things are taking a serious turn. I respond slower, pull back and eventually just disassociate myself from their lives. With these 100% platonic relationships I partake in, I just can’t shake the feeling that hurt and embarrassment are inevitable, or even worse, they might just take my friendship as something it entirely is not and see it as a romantic endeavor. As an act of self-preservation above anything else, I feel the need to be someone who is consistently inconsistent in these relationships. I am completely aware of how this all sounds, because the hypocritical part is I do believe in saying what’s on your mind, experiencing hurt, and feeling the range of human emotions. However, there just is an emotional roadblock when it comes to men for me.The worst part is that most other girls my age have this seemingly instant connection and intimacy with boys that I seem incapable of. They’re able to freely say what’s on their mind, be close with boys, show physical affection, and treat it like any other relationship in their lives. For me, it simply is just the idea that I will be hurt by someone, more specifically a man, which is beyond humiliating to me, even though I know it is inevitable. In a social media world that highly emphasizes hyper-independence, a “cool girl” mindset, and detachment, it feels like betrayal to my feminist self to ever be invested in a man, even platonically.
Now, my own personal dilemma involves my own avoidance, and his as well. I have had a one-sided, unrequited, whatever you want to call it kind-of-crush on my male friend for three years now. During our senior year of high school, I would talk to him a lot and I think we were really close in our own special kind of way. During freshman year of college, I drew a line in the sand and pulled back, and if I’m being honest, I don’t really know why I did that. I made it evidently clear that I was an avoidant, and not interested in anything, and I think that’s when he began to pull away too; we were afraid of hurting each other. To this day we’re still friends– but as a 20 year old, I just can’t understand my 17 year old self either and what exactly she was so nervous about because I know now there was nothing ever to shy away from in the first place. I guess I just thought he knew me better than anybody else and would be willing to push past my avoidant tendencies, but now I don’t think he ever will. And that’s something I will think about for a long time, but simultaneously something I no longer want to ruminate on.
 We will always be good friends, with a barrier of our own avoidance in between us, which is okay, at least I think.Â
The truth is, I don’t think it’ll be like this forever. In some weird, twisted, naive way, I am a really optimistic person at heart. I believe things will change for me, and I’ll learn to understand my avoidance and get past it when I’m meant to. However, in the growth period of being who I am and who I’m growing to be, I find it uncomfortable to face my faults and why exactly I do the things I do. I know it’s out of self-preservation, but I’m finding I’m so much happier to talk to people and not have the worry of inevitable destruction or hurt weighing me down, and to accept people as they are. But hey, maybe we’re all a little avoidant and could use someone who takes us out of our comfort zone. Hopefully I’ll grow to be that person.