Eid Mubarak to all those observing, wishing you and your loved ones an amazing Eid, and I hope you had a blessed ramadan.
To me, this year felt different. Not only because of all the horrible things going on in the world, specifically in my home, Lebanon, but also internally for myself as well.
1. I was distracted
I feel so guilty even writing this, but it felt like, this year more than ever, my head just wasn’t in it. Starting on the first day of ramadan, I couldn’t fast (iykyk). When I could eventually start fasting again, I felt like the month had already taken off without me. It felt like everyone had already gotten over the initial growing pains of ramadan and I was stuck.
I hate the feeling of being left behind, and I was drowning in it. It felt like everyone had already started up their routine and I was still figuring out whether I should wake up for suhoor or stay up and eat.
2. I was so tired
Now, I can’t pin point the exact reason, but this year more than ever, I was EXHAUSTED. By the time iftar came around, I couldn’t find it in me to do anything meaningful afterwards, because of how tired I was. It got to the point where I was overwhelmed with guilt.
Not only that, but with school, it felt like the only thing I had to look forward to was iftar, and by the time that rolled around, what else was there?
3. Priorities
Unfortunately, midterm season doesn’t give any free passes to those fasting. As someone who usually prides herself on time management, I lost it this month. With midterms, work, my social life, and wanting to focus on my deen, I found myself struggling to find the time for the most important this month—my connection with God.
I would be rushing from work to school, then home, then break my fast and practically knock out right after. There was barely enough time for me to do my own assignments, much less go above and beyond my usual deen duties.
4. Never feeling like you’re doing enough
This year more than ever, I felt like I didn’t take advantage of this month. I feel like I could have done so much more, made more duas, been more intentional, and so much more focused. It’s hard when you look forward to this month all year long, and that when it comes along, you don’t amount to it. It’s also hard seeing the people around you doing so much and almost feeling upset with yourself that you’re just not able to.
So unfortunately, it did feel like I prioritized the idea of ramadan, rather than the essence of ramadan.
As much as I can sit, feeling guilty, there’s also things I can implement in my life right now to attempt to make up for my shortcomings.
Restarting
More than ever I want to emphasize my intention. To do this, I want to be more mindful in my salah, more intentional with my duas, and most importantly, using my time wisely.
A big pattern this month was I felt like I wasted my time.
To remedy that, I want to make sure I set aside time for my religion, intentionally (other than Salah). My first step will be through habit stacking.
Habit Stacking
Habit stacking is a known psychological method that is beneficial in starting and maintaining new habits, by associating a new habit to a previously, already developed one.
Alhamdulillah, salah is already a consistent habit of mine. So by adding a specific habit (ex. quran journaling, quran memorization, dua journalling), it’ll be far easier to maintain it.
Overall, while I do think I could’ve done better this year, I am proud of the effort I put in nonetheless.
InshaAllah these shortcomings are a sign to keep doing better everyday.