I couldn’t tell you how many times a day I stalk my own Instagram. It’s to the point where I know the second I lose a follower and can usually figure out exactly who it was pretty quickly. I have the order of pictures in my highlights memorized, and I remember which song I posted each picture to. It is that serious to me.
I spend so much time looking at it from someone else’s perspective. I always pretend to be looking at it for the first time, to try to grasp what people’s first impression is of me, or what “aesthetic” it gives off.
Truthfully, there is no aesthetic.
I used to try to make the cover photos on my feed cohesive and aesthetic, but that was either too much work or didn’t look the way I ever wanted it to. I am so envious every time I come across someone’s profile, and it screams aesthetic. Shoutout to you, girl, couldn’t be me, no matter how many times I try.
With Instagram specifically, I struggle with what vibe I want to give off. I wish I posted pictures and stories that instantly gave baddie, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Part of this is because of who follows me. It’s an interesting mix. It’s a combination of people I’ve met in college, or who I’ve met online, coworkers, people from my hometown, my friends’ parents and siblings, my boss, my past coaches, and a lot of family members.
I want people my age to see pictures of me posing on the beach or at a college event, but I cringe at the idea of my boss seeing those photos as well. I think that’s why my Instagram kind of gives… sweetie?
I don’t know if that’s the best wording, but my Instagram is made up of a lot of pictures with my siblings, or wholesome photos with my friends. The things people like to see, the way all my teachers or teammates see me the best.
I am very mindful of what I post, and that usually leads to comments that say “beautiful” instead of comments that say “body-tea.”
I have only ever posted one selfie of myself since I got Instagram back in 2018. I want to, because I have so many pictures I think could be posted, but once again, do I want my coach randomly seeing a selfie of me on their feed?
I think all of my problems have a simple solution: remove followers. It would be easy, and then I wouldn’t have to tailor my posting habits to how I would be perceived, but also I  am one of those people who does want to obtain a high following amount.
This summer, I’m making it a goal of mine to make my Instagram more aesthetically pleasing. I want to post the pictures I want to post, without worrying about how people used to view me. The fact of the matter is that I have grown up. I’m nineteen and in college. I’m going to go out with friends, get dressed up, and post the cute pictures I take.
In the end, it’s my Instagram, so why should I spend so much time worrying about what other people think? I’ve decided it’s time to release my inner baddie to the public.