Being a toxic partner is definitely not something to be proud of, but adopting that mindset can help you identify which behaviors to avoid. If you choose not to avoid them, that’s your business. Who am I to judge?Â
- START FIGHTS OVER EVERYTHING
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Even the smallest mistakes deserve to be resolved with a blow-up and an emotionally draining argument. React immediately; if your partner makes you feel anything other than pure bliss, feed into those negative emotions and lash out. You’ll feel great!
There’s nothing better than fighting with your partner the second you wake up because they said “good morning” in a less-than-chipper tone.Â
- HAVE UNFAIR EXPECTATIONS
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If he wanted to, he would, right? Why hasn’t your partner shown up at your door with a hundred-dollar bouquet every day, just to make you smile? Rude.Â
Why are they going to class and doing their homework when you just told them that school is stressing you out? They should unenroll for the semester, so you don’t have to be in that environment when you’re around them.Â
Keeping your expectations selfishly high is exactly how you find your soulmate.Â
- BE EXTREMELY JEALOUS
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Don’t let your partner talk to anyone other than you. In group projects, they must maintain radio silence in all communication channels to prove their loyalty. In social settings, they must walk away from every person who approaches them and immediately call you to report.Â
If you see your partner engaging in a conversation with another human being, break up. That is cheating in and of itself. If they seem to be happy in that conversation, that is an insult to you in the most profound and fundamental way. They must be evil.
- CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM
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Love isn’t built, it’s forced through repeated behavioral lecturing. If you don’t like how your partner dresses, let them know they have no style, and begin choosing their clothes yourself.
If you don’t like how close your partner is with their family, block every member from their phone. If you don’t like their hobbies or interests, sternly tell them to stop participating in them — instead, they should be pursuing your hobbies and interests, duh!Â
Don’t choose your partner based on your values and what you’re attracted to; choose one that seems the most moldable and forge them into the best possible partner for you.Â
Everyone knows that enduring and loving relationships are built on a foundation of not really liking your partner. And that’s exactly what executing these tips will do: tell them that at the end of the day, you hate them.Â
If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.Â
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