The Art of Being a Villager

Have you ever heard the phrase, “If you want a village, you have to be a villager”? In today’s society, it is becoming normalized to set healthy boundaries, say no to things that do not serve us, and regulate our lives so we don’t burn out. These practices are super important and valid in today’s society; however, they have reshaped how we approach relationships. Many people want the commitment and care from their loved ones without having to reciprocate the behavior themselves. Community has never been something that is just handed to us; it is something that we have to earn and build ourselves. 

I don’t question that boundaries matter; it has taken mass society a long time to get to a place of understanding boundaries and why they are important. Protecting your emotional health and prioritizing things that make you happy are definitely necessary; however, the culture around boundaries can easily be seen as disengagement or isolation. When you only prioritize “protecting your peace” over showing up for others, it negatively affects relationships. 

Disclaimer: I say all this from personal experience. I have done the same before. I avoided any sort of conflict or change to preserve my emotional health. This quickly became counterproductive and ended up resulting in the very things I wished to avoid. Many of my friendships gained emotional distance, and one day I looked around and asked myself, ‘How did I even get here, and how do I get back to the way it was before?” Not only were my relationships affected, but my mindset and mental health became severely negative as well. 

Healthy boundaries are meant to support your connections, but when abused, they become walls. When care or support isn’t reciprocated equally, problems arise and unfair power dynamics form. This can happen in friendships, familial, and romantic relationships. People may justify their absence through being busy or emotional exhaustion, but when it becomes a pattern, trust in relationships erodes. Relationships cannot thrive when effort is one-sided.  

This is where the Golden Rule comes in. Treat people the way you want to be treated. It sounds so cliché, but it is such an important mantra to remember when you want to sustain connections. If you want to be spoken highly of, speak highly of others. If you want to be understood, be ready to listen to others. It is not about “faking it till you make it” or performative kindness, but choosing to act and align yourself with the person you want to be and the relationships you want to have. Behavior shapes identity, and making acts of kindness will come back to you tenfold. 

Despite the analysis of relationships above, being a “villager” is much easier to attain than you’d expect. It is checking up on a friend without being prompted or doing the “inconvenient” favor that may not serve you personally. It’s about being generous even when there’s no instant payback for you. Try to speak kindly about others when they are not in the room. These small and consistent efforts build trust and show care for others more effectively than sparse grand gestures do. These actions can also have a ripple effect. I remember when a friend was intentionally kind to me, even though we hadn’t known each other long. It instantly made me want to do the same for not only her but also everyone around me. Obviously, nobody is perfect; sometimes people won’t give the same energy back to you, we make mistakes, or act out of anger or fear, but implementing principles like these could make a difference and bring positivity into your life. Once you’ve built that village, remember that they will be there in your time of need as well. Ultimately, community is not something that is owed, but it is chosen. If we want the connections and lasting support systems, we ourselves need to contribute to them. A village doesn’t appear out of thin air; it forms when people show up for one another.