Friends were never something that came easily to me. When I was a kid, I distinctly remember watching shows of college kids hanging out in large friend groups, where, even after fights or squabbles, everyone loved each other at the end of the day. Clearly those shows set very unrealistic expectations. However, even as my bar for friendships lowered, I couldn’t help but notice everyone finding a crowd of people that seemed to just get them; a crowd that wanted to be with them. Something that I had always craved.
Starting college gave me a chance to meet those twin flames. Immediately, I had found a group that I gravitated towards. For a small period of time, I felt like I had it: close friends filled my life, and I always had someone to lean on or go out with. It felt comfortable, like a home, but more importantly, it felt stable.
However, as quickly as that friend group came, it just as quickly vanished. I watched my reliable friend group slip quietly from between my fingers despite trying to hold on tight. The truth was, I didn’t know why my group disintegrated. I didn’t know why I wasn’t worth being hung out with.
Then began the spiraling. I was back to square one, and I was feeling lonelier than ever. It’s different having a massive breakup with friends where everyone ends up hating each other. At least then, you know why things ended.
I’ve learned quickly that as I get older, people aren’t as quick to tell you their true feelings or intentions. Maybe they are afraid of how you will react, or maybe they care more about themselves than the friendship. The truth is, it isn’t your job to decode messages that aren’t even being sent. You deserve people that put in the same amount of effort that you do.Â
Being in your twenties for some can be adventurous, exciting, and indescribable. For others, however, it can be excruciatingly lonely. It took me an entire semester (one that was long, tiring, and rough), to realize that I could identify a few true friends, even if we weren’t all in the same group. Having each of their love separately is more than I could ever ask for.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many friends you have, it just matters that the ones you have are real and true. It doesn’t do any good wondering what could have been with past friendships, or what could be with future ones. Take how people treat you at face value, feel what you need to feel, and continue moving with a heart full of love to give to someone deserving. You deserve all of the love you give out, it’s just a matter of time until you receive it.Â