Should we be playing it cool?
The concept of being “nonchalant” is something that has recently drawn more attention on social media. We’ve all seen those videos of people trying to beat their friends in a competition to see who can be the most suave at catching a closing elevator door. Yet, this idea feels like it’s been in our lives forever, a strongly reinforced social code.
I mainly notice these norms upheld in a very specific context: texting. In my friends — and in myself — I observe a strong urge to modify texting behavior to project a certain self-image.
Don’t double-text. Don’t respond too quickly. Don’t make your interest too apparent. Don’t come off as anxious, or clingy, or desperate.
The thing is, these are socially constructed. Personally, I have never been like, “Wow, he takes 8 hours to respond. He’s the one!”
At the same time, I struggle to break these norms in my current relationships. Even if I recognize how limiting they are (for no reason), it’s still a big unknown as to what the other person thinks. How will they receive my 10 consecutive texts? How will they react? Will they be scared if I reply right away?
Here’s a crazy thought: relationships of any sort aren’t the time to pretend; it’s the time to be yourself, fully and unapologetically. It’s impossible to determine if someone is right for you if you are giving them a watered-down experience!
One way I try to show my true personality is by asking unique questions to people I am trying to get to know. Here are some of my favorites, thanks to my past career as a camp counselor:
- What is your earliest memory?
- How long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse?
- What is your least favorite vegetable?
In my past relationships, I learned how important consistent communication is to me. At first, it felt comfortable to do what was expected, to fit in with this communication norm. It always feels like the stakes are very high for me in prospective romances. I don’t want to mess things up. But down the line, it felt suffocating. I didn’t want to pretend things were fine; I wanted to feel free to express my anxieties.
Being nonchalant may be a short-term recipe for success, but it’s not the technique to create a lasting connection. There are so many social facades in the world; shouldn’t relationships be the space to be vulnerable and honest about your emotions?
You’re not being too much, you’re being yourself.
It’s high time we redefine that.
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