When I look back on the past few years of my life, I feel grateful that Iāve been able to transform myself again and again, while leaving unhealthy habits in the past. Though the one thing I canāt seem to shake is imposter syndrome. Iām always teetering between āIāve worked hard across many years, I deserve to be hereā and āDo I really deserve this?ā. I recognise thatĀ this thought process isĀ draining, but itās a difficult cycle to escape from. Taking ownership of my accomplishments and allowing myself to feel proudĀ of themĀ is sufficiently difficult. Dreaming big is even harder. As a teenager, I detested the āWhere do you see yourself in the next 5 years?ā question. If IĀ were feeling uncertain with what I was doing at the time, how could I know what my future would look like?Ā
I was waiting for the bus at the Moorland Road stop when my final results for second year were released. I couldnāt believe my eyes when I saw my Corporate Finance mark, and chalked it up to reasons like, āMy lecturers were probably marking leniently, maybe they were even in a good mood when they marked my paperā. I thought it must have been some kind of miracle, but I didnāt allow myself to attribute the grade to my skills. My Academic Personal Tutor also happens to be one of my lecturers for the module, and I told her about how I felt. She said, āYou donāt get this high of a mark out of luck. Clearly, youāre doing something right! Whatever youāre doing, itās workingā. When I told her that I was feeling anxious about my final year in university, she said, āBut why? You have the proof that youāre doing wellā.Ā
I desperately needed those reality checks, and what she said will definitely stay with me for a long time. Iām constantly underestimating myself, and I have to recognise that the flowers of my success are a result of the seeds that Iāve planted and have been tending to for years. Iām doing myself a disservice by not honouring what Iāve accomplished so far and attributing it to anything other than my hard work.Ā
As Iām experiencing my final semester in university, Iāve been thinking a lot about everything Iāve learned throughout my degree. Most importantly, Iāve started to gather the courage to dream again. Witnessing Timothee Chalametās press tour surrounding Marty Supreme, as well as the movie itself, has inspired me to dream again. When he accepted his Screen Actors Guild award for A Complete Unknown last year, what he said during his speech deeply resonated with me.
āI canāt downplay the significance of this award, ācauseĀ it means the most to me. And I know weāre in a subjective business, but the truth is, Iām really in pursuit of greatness. I know people donāt usually talk like that, but I wanna be one of the greats. Iām inspired by the greats […]ā.Ā
He goes on to list a few of the actors he looks up to, such as Viola Davis and Daniel Day-Lewis. Itās rare to see someone in the film industry unabashedly proclaim their ambitions in public and do so without conceit. He honours the effort that he pours into every role, while crediting the legends that came before him. In a time where trying is embarrassing and theĀ fear ofĀ beingĀ perceivedĀ asĀ ācringeā overrides our passions, hearing someone speak like this is important.Ā
One of the main themes of Marty Supreme is to pursue your wildest dreams. Although its titular character does so in questionable ways, the sentiment is unfaltering. Marty Mauser is a deeply flawed character. Putting hisĀ questionable moralsĀ aside, an admirable trait of his is that he never doubted himself, not for one second. Even when experiencing the most absurd and dangerous situations, his faith in himself never wavers. While itās not a perfect movie, Marty Supreme taught me this: if you have dreams, then you owe it to yourself to do everything in your power to actualise them. To quote a conversation between Marty and Gwyneth Paltrowās character, Kay:
āAnd what do you plan to do if this whole dream of yours doesnāt work out?ā
āThat doesnāt even enter my consciousness.āĀ
The movieĀ makes me think about Miguelās song ā…Allā, where he sings āItās just a matter of time […], ācause I aināt afraid to fail. Canāt you tell? I want it allā. I canāt say that I donāt fear failure, but Iām grateful for art that makes failure seem a little less daunting. I would rather try to give something my all than live in regret that I never took a risk.Ā
I used to be a deeply cynical person, and to a certain extent, I still am. However, the difference between who I was 5 years ago and who I am now is that when I visualise my ideal future, I actually have faith that what I see could materialise. Ruminating on what ifs and whether Iām worthy of a dream is a waste of time. Thereās this Tumblr post that I saw a few years ago and will never forget:Ā
āDo I deserve this?ā āAm I worthy of this?ā
So irrelevant. Do you want it?
Like Miguel said, I want it all. Iāll hold on to my dreams and keep them close to my heart while I continue to work through my imposter syndrome. As Marty Supremeās tagline says, dream big!
Editor: Aliyah Shah