They say high school will be the best years of your life. They say to cherish the four years that fly by in no time. But I can remember the mornings I hoped the time would go by quicker, and the nights I would cry because my life wasn’t at all what I had envisioned it to be. I was miserable. I didn’t know where my future lay. I certainly didn’t picture myself where I am now, but I can proudly say Texas State is where I was meant to be.Â
Freshman Year: New beginnings, New lessons
I picture myself in a room full of the different versions of myself and the many lives I’ve lived up until now. I can see high school freshman Taylor, who is nervous as she starts in a brand new place with new friends and things to try. I can also see college freshman Taylor, who is nervous and excited as she starts fresh in a brand new city with new people and so much to try. They’re the same, but they’re both entirely different. I can’t stop the high school freshman version of myself from talking to that boy who makes her feel dull, and I can’t stop her from missing half of her three-pointers, that’s for sure. I can see her changing every day. She’s throwing up because that boy made her feel gross, and she’d rather be sick than run on the court. I can see college freshman Taylor also talking to a boy that definitely doesn’t measure up, but she knows it this time. She takes it as a learning experience, and she doesn’t dwell on those she doesn’t need to help her grow. She’s stepping into a new world where she can be anything she wants and embrace who she is. She is over the moon about wearing maroon and gold, and she hardly even glances at green and white. Freshman year, Bobcat Taylor is ready to write her new chapter.Â
Sophomore Year: The difference of doubt and direction
Two other versions of me have entered their second year. Sophomore year of high school left me confused and conflicted. I could feel some of my closest friends slipping through my fingers, and just when I thought I was going to receive the proper treatment I deserved from someone, I was deserted, and my trust in people had diminished. However, my Sophomore year of college filled me with something new. I’m not lost or questioning anymore. I know what I need to grow. I began my writing classes, and I officially added digital media innovation as another major because I cannot get enough of learning. Sports media becomes my focus, and I’m in counseling to help things not be so rough for me. I wish high school Taylor wasn’t so hurt and stuck in questioning, but I feel as if college Taylor is giving her the closure she deserves.
Junior Year: Bitter vs. Better
Junior year. A pivotal moment for the high school version of me. The butterfly effect of sophomore year flows through her veins. She feels wronged and slighted, and she takes solace in being someone she is not. She becomes like those who made her trivial, and she takes it out on those who put their love into her. She will come to regret it, but she doesn’t know it yet. I would do everything in my power to travel back in time and stop her if I could. I know I can’t, so I only look forward because I cannot get stuck in the past when my now is so important. She was looking for a way out, and I’ve officially given that to her. Junior year of college, I’m me now. I am stronger now than I ever was before. I will never let my character break again the way I once did. I know who I am and what I want in my life. I have matured and grown into someone I can say I’m proud of. As I write this and reflect, I remember everything like it was yesterday.Â
Senior Year: No rain, no flowers
If I could erase my memories, senior year would be the smallest archive in my brain. The butterfly continues to flap its wings, and my actions did indeed have consequences. She is suffering from the pain she put on others, as she realizes what she’s lost, she’s losing her closest friends, and she’s no longer in love with a sport she grew up with. She is lost, and she is in so much pain that no one can see. She feels helpless, and she wishes to no longer feel this way. Her world is crashing down, and even though it’s her last year in this town, she wants to get out as of yesterday. Her grandpa is now gone, and she doesn’t know how many more nights she can keep praying to God that it will get better. Her real friends, her true ones, show her that maybe it’ll be OK, so she holds hope. Her hope radiates at graduation as she sits front row in white in front of a crowd of green. In the summer, she packs her bags. Her room begins to empty, and her soul begins to be filled with light once again. I can’t yet see the senior year of college, Taylor, but I can sense her happiness. This summer, I will travel to Japan to study abroad. I’ve joined Her Campus to pursue my dream of writing. I have big dreams to attend graduate school, to work in sports media with professional teams, and learn new cultures as I travel the world.
Final NoteÂ
It would be meaningless to trauma dump without reason; therefore, that’s not what this is. It’s a proper thank you for the opportunity I’ve been granted to be a student in college. I am forever grateful to my parents for supporting me through my journey. My cousin, my brother, and my best friends gave me the strength and the hope to continue on. And to Texas State University for providing me with a chance to start over. This is my love letter to the place that helped me heal and continues to help me grow. I’ve dreamt of being able to say that I’m officially OK for years, and I wished for the pleasure to one day be enough. With the comfort of my little college town, I have realized that I was always enough. I just needed a different scenery to notice.