Over the summer, I worked as a host at a restaurant in New York. During the hours when it was exceptionally slow, I would scroll through the New York Times to entertain myself. One day, I stumbled upon an article by Jean Garnett called “The Trouble with Wanting Men.” This article introduced me to the term heterofatalism- a complete disillusionment with dating men and heterosexual relationships; a feeling that being romantically involved with men in this day and age will inevitably lead to disappointment.
Interestingly, another article was released months later titled “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” This piece also discussed heterofatalism, but more specifically unpacked the impact of social media presence and whether coming across as too ‘boyfriend obsessed’ online, or even showcasing your boyfriend at all, was looked down upon.
As someone who has had her fair share of disappointing experiences with men but isn’t heterosexual, I was somewhat puzzled by the fact that the conversation had solely been centered around straight women. I would argue that the sentiment of having a boyfriend being embarrassing is even more present among queer women who don’t identify as lesbian, with jokes constantly being made about bisexual girls who hate their boyfriends just because they wish they were dating women.
Regardless, it is exciting that views of relationships have evolved so much that these conversations can even be had. Funnily enough, the fact that women’s rights have changed enough to ask questions like “is having a boyfriend embarrassing?” is somewhat of a feat. That said, while seemingly simple on the surface, these debates can incorporate a great deal of gender theory and psychology. But, if you ask me, there is no better time to unpack these ideas than around Valentine’s Day, when relationships tend to occupy everyone’s mind. Are concepts like heterofatalism dressed up as helping women, but in reality, are adding another item onto a laundry list of things that stop women from allowing themselves to be happy?
Hopelessness When It Comes to Dating Men Is Valid
It is important to put words to experiences and feelings that women have, which can be a form of resistance in and of itself. It is vital to acknowledge that communication gaps often exist between men and women. Garnet uses the term normative male alexithymia, which literally means the incapacity for men to put words to their emotions. This then results in what she refers to as the ‘female demand-male withdraw’ pattern. In simpler terms, this is referencing the cliche that women are more high maintenance than men, especially when it comes to emotional conversations, and, in response, men step away and remove themselves from difficult situations.
This is highly prevalent in current ‘situationship culture’ with tropes constantly being pushed that there is always one person who wants a relationship and the other person refuses to commit. With exceptions, the latter position is often occupied by the man in heterosexual situationships, who often says that he “can’t” do a relationship, which, frustratingly, seems to be a cheap cop-out so as not to admit that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, somehow shirking any responsibility for the feelings of the other person.
As someone who has been in this situation more than once, a term like heterofatalism and being told that having a boyfriend is embarrassing anyway can feel both healing and liberating. If I’m taking this stance, at least I’m not the girl who always asks for more but never receives it. I would rather stand on the soapbox and declare that I expect nothing from men than constantly find myself in the same ditch of being a woman searching for something that never seems to be there.
But… Is Guilting Women About Dating Men Problematic?
However, if all women declare that dating men is hopeless and should be done away with, can change even be possible? Not to mention disillusionment with dating men will not change an innate desire to be romantically and intimately involved with men if that is who you find yourself attracted to. As put by Garnett, “The bitterness does not replace wanting men, a man, the smell of a man’s thin T-shirt, the dampness of the hair at his nape.” Sometimes, these conversations have an effect of erasing nuance around social and psychological debates, and the ‘female demand-male withdraw’ trope is the sign at the gate of a gendered hellhole we can’t escape.
There can also be additional problematic effects from the simplification of these debates. Primarily, these conversations push the narrative that being gay is ‘easier,’ with straight and bisexual women constantly lamenting, “I wish I were a lesbian.” This is an odd sentiment considering the noteworthy struggles of the queer community, and it seems to stem from a place of straight women finally having to think of the implications of their sexuality, which queer people have always been forced to do.
Ultimately, no matter what side of this debate you fall on, these are important conversations to have. It will not be beneficial to acknowledge the struggles and feelings that women are experiencing, which too often are belittled and viewed as unimportant. However, hopefully these conversations end up actually helping women and not continuing cycles of convincing women that being a ‘true’ feminist means not wanting to be in a relationship with a man. Hopefully, we can find solace in female community and continue to uplift each other regardless of our romantic desires, while still acknowledging that, sometimes, you just want to scream at the top of your lungs, “men suck!,” and that’s ok too.