As someone who experienced the sudden loss of my dad in my first year, doing university while experiencing the tumult of grief for the first time can feel impossible. Grief feels like it takes so much from you: your energy, your ability to think, your capacity to deal with stress, even your sense of safety and trust in the world. University, a time where daily life can feel like a rollercoaster anyway, may seem like the exact opposite of what you want to go through while grieving. But if you’re anything like me, you probably also want to get your degree and live your twenties as much as possible too!
Whether you’ve lost someone recently, or being at uni is making grief resurface in new and unexpected ways for you, I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s a difficult subject to bring up, so people might not always mention it, but I’ve been surprised at the number of people I’ve met over my time at uni who are also experiencing grief. Grief can feel so lonely and isolating at times, but there are other people out there who understand what it feels like.
However, it’s also important to mention that your grief – like your person, your relationship with them, and their death has affected your life – is so personal (and special too!) So, handling being a student and grief at the same time means doing what’s right for you. Don’t let anyone else tell you how to handle your grief, because only you know what you want or need. Some people might want to keep busy, join societies, go to all their lectures, be part of a society committee, or some might find that not always going onto campus, getting mitigation, or spending time alone, is what they need.
It can look different at different times too. Maybe sometimes it’s going out and being with friends, maybe sometimes it’s staying in bed with the covers pulled over your head and screaming into your pillow. Maybe you don’t know what’s right for you (to be honest, I don’t know what’s right for me a good 75% of the time). I think generally it’s a good idea to get a) good sleep, b) three meals a day, and c) some exercise, but grief can make these hard (again, been there myself).
Therefore, if I can leave you with anything, it’s this: please be kind to yourself. Unfortunately, the people around you might not always understand what you’re going through. I have experienced my fair share of ruptures, and have heard stories from many other grievers of fallings out with friends, housemates, family etc. This can include the university itself too! Staff, lecturers, even the university system all can make dealing with grief harder. In the face of all of these things, it’s even more important to be kind to yourself! Other people may not understand or treat you with kindness, but that does not mean you don’t need or deserve kindness. If you’ve experienced these kinds of hurt from others, from what I’ve seen it is a rubbish but also normal part of grief, and definitely not a reflection on you. It can also be frustrating to struggle with things that once came easily: listening in lectures; going on a night out without crying; holding down a job while studying. Grief can manifest in silly little things that seem just set on ruining your day: the rate of me dropping things, losing things, forgetting things, making a mess seemed to increase tenfold after grief. And those little things can feel like the end of the world when you’re already running low already. Again, that’s normal and perfectly okay! I am guilty of forgetting this too, but try to remember you are doing the best you can after experiencing something earth-shattering.
There is no right or wrong way to do grief or to do uni, so whatever your uni experience has been, whether you’ve gone out every night, or barely left your room, you’re doing great. Grief is hard, university is hard, and you’re doing both. That’s something to be proud of right there!