With Valentine’s Day coming up, romance is on the mind for many. Finding and managing serious relationships in college can be a challenge. My partner of five years and I have been through a lot of life changes together, but our connection has stayed the same. Here are my tips as someone who started college in a relationship, and is graduating in the same one.
1. Nobody is perfect. Put your ego aside.
When we talk about relationships, you usually hear something about the importance of communication. However, you can’t communicate effectively if your initial response to serious conversations is defense or anger. No one is perfect. You and your partner will likely do things that disappoint or upset one another here and there, and that’s fine! You need to be able to listen to and hear your partner out. It’s unhealthy to take the expression of their experience or emotions as a personal attack. You also need to be able to talk to your partner without being accusatory or aggressive.
Dr. John Gottman identifies “the four horseman” of conflict discussions, which are things that can cause rise in conflict and result in negative outcomes in the future: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. From my experiences, these reactions come out when someone feels called-out, offended, or uncomfortable. If my partner is coming to me earnestly about an issue they’re having, I have to turn off those instincts to defend or critique, and simply listen and try to understand to the best of my ability. I also expect that same respect in return.
2. It’s the little things.
Relationships are a big part of our lives, but big things are made up of little, everyday things. It is not just the grand gestures that make a meaningful connection last. As a relationship progresses, sometimes we become so comfortable we forget to put in just that small bit of extra effort. It is so important to think of little ways you can be there for your partner.
Gottman uses the phrase “small things often” to help remember that it is the small but consistent things that can make all the different in your relationship.
Buy them a little treat, give them thoughtful compliments, do a chore for them, or give them some extra affection. Be an active listener when they talk and learn about the things they’re passionate about! There are many ways to show someone you love them regularly that aren’t difficult or complicated. In fact, many of these small tasks can be fun or exciting because you know it will make your partner happy! It is just about being mindful.
3. Set those expectations & boundaries early.
Make it clear from the very start what aspects of a relationship are most important to you. Be clear about your boundaries and expectations. Make sure you know what you want in your future, and don’t let little frustrations linger and grow into bigger divides between you and your partner. Everyone has different needs, so make sure you advocate for yourself and encourage your partner to advocate for themselves as well! I recommend putting a lot of thought into what sort of things you desire most in a relationship dynamic so you can best express those to one another, and always keep talking about them.
If you’re already in a relationship and feel you haven’t discussed these things, it’s never too late! You can learn new things about one another and make your relationship even stronger.
4. Take care of yourself, and be honest.
If you are struggling internally, it can be hard to be fully dedicated to your relationship. If you’re having troubles with your mental health or wellbeing, you should make sure that you’re seeking help for not just your partner, but for yourself! It is also important to share these things with your partner openly. A loving and empathetic partner will understand and help you on your journey to feeling better again.
You should also look out for your partner’s mental health, and remember to remind them that you’re always there for them. Sometimes one of you might not be able to be 100% engaged with the relationship every day–my partner and I have both been in that position–but it can be worked through if you’re willing and honest.
This one is really important to remember when dealing with high levels of stress. Everyone experiences stress, especially in college, and according to Dr. Arthur Aron, from the American Psychology Association (APA), stress and the way we handle it is one of the biggest factors in the success of a long-term relationship.
5. Life Gets Busy. Make time!
It is so important to try to find time for communication and connection with your partner. Especially in college, schedules are packed. My partner and I try to align our work and school schedules at the beginning of each semester to allow for some quality, one-on-one time throughout the week. We also always make sure to text and call each other throughout the day to keep in touch and check in! This is crucial to making each other feel supported, heard, and recognized.
Research has shown that putting in effort is correlated to positive outcomes to relationships, and I have found that giving and receiving effort comes from communication and respect. I recommend making sure that you are taking care of both yourself and your partner, and always talk about things openly. Hiding things or neglecting issues can lead to harm in your relationship’s future.