For a long time, I thought wanting reassurance was a flaw.
Not something dramatic, just a quiet insecurity I tried to keep to myself. The kind that shows up when you reread texts before sending them, or when you hesitate before asking a simple question because you don’t want to sound “too much.”
So instead of saying what I mean, I soften it.
I add a “lol.”
I downplay how I felt.
I tell myself it isn’t that deep.
Somewhere along the way, many of us learn that wanting reassurance makes us seem weak. That asking for clarity means we’re insecure. That confident women are supposed to be chill—emotionally low-maintenance, unbothered, and easygoing at all times. While emotional restraint is often encouraged across genders, women in particular are socialized to believe that expressing need makes them difficult or undesirable.Â
We learn this through the reactions we see. Girls who ask questions are labeled “clingy.” Emotional expression is dismissed as overthinking. On the other hand, silence is praised as maturity.
As I’ve grown older and begun thinking more intentionally about feminism, I’ve started to recognize how deeply these expectations are tied to the way women are taught to manage emotion — not for their own comfort, but for the comfort of others.
And, honestly? That mindset follows us everywhere.
We bring it into friendships.
Into relationships.
Into how we show up for ourselves.
We learn to second-guess our needs before anyone else can. To distrust our instincts. To convince ourselves that wanting emotional consistency is asking for too much — when in reality, it’s asking for the basics.
WANTING REASSURANCE ISN’T A CHARACTER FLAW
The older I get, the more I realize how normalized self-silencing has become, especially for women. We’re taught to be emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and understanding, often at the expense of our own comfort.
We’re praised for being “easy to be with,” but rarely encouraged to ask ourselves whether we actually feel secure.
And that’s the part no one really prepares us for: constantly minimizing your needs doesn’t make you stronger. It just makes you quieter.
Wanting reassurance doesn’t mean you lack confidence. It means you’re human. We all want to feel chosen, valued, and safe and there’s nothing embarrassing about that.
RELEARNING WHAT “STRONG” REALLY MEANS
For a long time, I thought strength meant needing less. Less validation. Less comfort. Less clarity.
But lately, I’ve been unlearning that idea.
Real strength isn’t pretending you don’t care, it’s being honest about what you need, even when it feels uncomfortable. It’s trusting yourself enough to speak up instead of shrinking back.
For me, feminism hasn’t looked like having all the answers. It’s like giving myself permission to stop apologizing for my emotions. To stop treating reassurance like a weakness instead of a form of connection.
Because there’s nothing empowering about constantly doubting yourself.
YOU’RE ALLOWED TO WANT MORE
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: you’re not asking for too much just because someone else isn’t willing to meet you where you are.
You’re allowed to want reassurance.
You’re allowed to want clarity.
You’re allowed to want effort.
And you don’t need to justify that to anyone.
Growth doesn’t always look like becoming tougher. Sometimes it looks like becoming more honest with yourself, with others, and with what you actually deserve.
You don’t have to silence your needs to be lovable.
You’re already enough even when you ask for more.
