Recently I saw a post circulating online. It stood out to me for how confessional it felt, how revealing it was. It cast an (uncomfortably) bright light into an ugly corner of girlhood that, according to many commenters, should have stayed tucked away in the shadows. The post went like this: a meme format, ironic but nevertheless holding a deep confession, expressing how this woman, when younger, had wished to be catcalled in the street. Why? To tell her she was attractive and worthy of romantic attention. She wanted to know she was someone worthy of being desired.
It is a tricky thing, no doubt, to feel jealous of victims of violence. And, unsurprisingly, the post was met with an overload of repulse āĀ a whole flood of disgusted comments pointed to the userās masochism, anti-feminism and overall ignorance. Catcalling, of course, deserves this flood of rage when still, on average, one third of 16 to 34 year old women experience catcalling in a given year in the UK. And online discourse has rightfully shown to have embedded, at least in politically-engaged circles, minds with an awareness of the strictures female bodies face in the 21st century. Think about the increased discussion of the āmale gazeā (the term coined by theorist Laura Mulvey) a few years ago, and how this term took on new meanings in the social media age. Online discourse is not blind to how womenās sexualisation persists in different forms pre or āpostā internet. Anxieties over internet-based gendered violence are only rising, including a recent outroar over the amplification of online abuse using AI systems. Whether through the internet or not, the dominating sexualisation of female bodies is known to fill media, culture and the very streets we walk on.
Catcalling and street harassment are a tale as old as time. What the internet has allowed is a conversation to open about it- to educate, share and platform feminist discourses. Those disgusted by the catcall-envying post may think: How can another woman undo the work being done? How can she wish something that felt dehumanising to me upon herself? But while the feeling of the post envies sexualising, oppressive experiences ā diabolically in some peopleās view āĀ it does not deny that the violence exists and hurts.
Iāll always advocate for expressing the shameful and unseemly, not only so that isolating experiences can be affirmed within a community of others who have gone through the same, but also so that the unsaid is not left to stay quiet, simmering and painful. The confession of the post is one that is sticky and uncomfortable, because it confronts emotional trials of girlhood, and how these intertwine with cultural, gendered violences. Not experiencing safe, romantic interactions growing up, the user longed to feel desirable in other ways. When crush culture and social expectation is rampant ā with classic sleepover, āchick-flicksā charting girls’ coming-of-age by way of her first relationshipĀ ā being an unkissed, untouched teenager can easily translate into being unkissable and untouchable. If no one has shown you a hint of romance in what are considered your pivotal years of development, how can you imagine yourself in a scenario where you are desired?
The post in question, then, confesses a desperation to prove that romance, and the looks of longing and desire that accompany it, are possible for the user. All taken to an extreme form. But extreme forms are sometimes necessary. Empathy for a woman feeling undesirable and unattractive is not seperable from the same anger that rises at the violence of catcalling. Because the important conversation this post brings up is why, in the first place, attraction is made measurable ā from being just a little girl to an adult ā by male approval.
What sometimes gets lost in online discourse is common ground. Outrage, empathy, and understanding stir comments sections into a divided whirlwind, when, really, for a post like this, all commenters are united under the fact of a dominating, male presence. A male presence that inflicts young bodies and minds with language and conditions that alter self-perception and romantic relations. Even feminist theorists writing over 30 years ago āseemingly outdated āĀ speak to this discourse. For women, becoming lovable and desired is often a process socialised through patriarchal terms. To end, take this infamous quote in Catherine A. MacKinnonās 1989 book, Toward a Feminist Theory of the State: “Man f***s woman. Subject verb object”.