As I get reminded that Valentine’s Day is vastly approaching with dozens of roses, heart-shaped chocolates, and teddy bears sitting on the windowsill of every store, one gift stands out for its loaded symbolism in the social politics of Valentine’s Day gifts: lingerie. It’s the type of present that rarely stands for itself as “just” a present. But rather, a topic of open conversation about desire, power, and gender norms, as it questions “who the gift is really for?”. We all know it’s not a secret that lingerie is meant to be straightforward: sexy, romantic, intimate, and private. But unlike other Valentine’s Day rituals such as flowers or candy, lingerie is worn on the body, transforming it into a commentary on appearance and desirability. When someone gifts lingerie, they are not only expressing attraction, but are also making assumptions about the relationship they have with the recipient as a whole. This may be why people are hesitant to give their partners lingerie in the first place. It may ruin the surprise if you tell them first, but it may also feel disheartening to get lingerie without considering your lover’s comfort level, body image, etc. So how can one go about this tastefully and respectfully when it may be deemed problematic from the outside looking in?
How media redefines lingerie
Traditionally, lingerie gifting has been framed through a heterosexual lens, typically male-giver to female-receiver. In this narrative, the gift is positioned as both a gesture of desire and an unspoken rule of what the giver finds attractive, more often than what the receiver feels confident/comfortable wearing. This subtle dynamic shifts the gift from an act of pure affection, to one’s sole expectation, where the recipient feels obligated instead of loved. Something once intimate, aspirational, and genuine, turns into exploitation, over sexualized, and disrespectful.
Feminist critiques have long pointed out this imbalance. For instance, Susan Cox’s critique in Feminist Current frames how Valentine’s lingerie can put a lot of pressure on being sexy, as lingerie reinforces the idea that women’s bodies are objects curated for male pleasure, especially on a major holiday already steeped in conventional romance. In queer relationships, who gives and who wears lingerie is not dictated by strict gender roles. In these contexts, lingerie may be worn by people of all genders, entirely detaching it from these expectations of consistent sexual performance altogether. This further proves that the politics of lingerie are not inherent through lace and silk, but to the social meanings attached to them.
Consumer culture
Lingerie marketing around Valentine’s Day in stores like Victoria Secret, Spencer’s, or Adam & Eve, often sells a narrow fantasy that shapes expectations long before the gift is purchased (heterosexual desire, constant sexual readiness, etc.). When culture reinforces the idea that a woman’s worth is tied to her appearance and attractiveness, declining or feeling ambivalent about it as a woman can be read as rejecting intimacy itself. Yet minimalizing gifting lingerie to purely an oppressive act misses its complexity of being playful and deeply personal with your partner. For many people, lingerie can be empowering, especially when requested explicitly as a form of self-expression. Many view gifting lingerie as a collaborative effort rather than prescriptive depending on how long-term the relationship is as well. All in all, consent and communication are central to understanding if lingerie is an appropriate gift for your partner or not.
Concluding Thoughts
As cliché as it sounds, Valentine’s Day ultimately offers an opportunity to reflect on how we express desire and care for our partners. Gifting lingerie can either reinforce old hierarchies or quietly challenge them, depending on how tasteful and respectful it is done. At the end of the day, the social politics of gifting lingerie remind us that romance is never just individualized and it is impacted by the culture surrounding us. What we choose to give, and how we choose to give it, not only reveals what we desire, but what we believe intimacy should be. Sometimes, the most loving gesture is acknowledging that intimacy looks different for different people. Whether that’s erotic lace and heels, it’s all one big celebration of mutual desire shared intimately by one another. The real gift is the consent and communication that comes with it—about preferences, boundaries, fantasies—and the respect for the autonomy of the person who will wear it. It’s as equally important as deemphasizing its performance/result, since lingerie does not promise sex and spectacle. Rather, when approached critically, the gifting of lingerie can promote mutual intimacy in modern times and help avoid the mistakes of past norms.
