Recently, I have been reflecting on the relationships in my life and how I feel as a result of interpersonal conflicts, or more specifically, the way I respond to conflict within my relationships.Â
As a generation who is currently living through what some people refer to as the “loneliness epidemic”, I find that a lot of us have the same problems regarding balancing what social media tells us about friendships, and what you should actually be practicing during times of conflict in your relationship.Â
Personally, I’ve been dealing with this issue of relationships and expectations for what seems like forever — and I thought I would’ve put this issue to rest by now, or at least learned to manage my expectations. Yet it seems there’s always some event where I feel slighted, or more so, that my algorithm tells me I’ve been slighted. When friends don’t give the “normal” reaction, don’t put in as much effort, or I feel some sort of rejection from them, I tend to react in complete avoidance. An ideal that’s been instilled in me, particularly within female friendships, is that when you bring up any issues, you tend to be painted as the problematic one. You’re supposed to be kind and forgiving, no matter the issue, instead of being seen as confrontational and aggressive, which is something that I still struggle with today. Which is mostly boiled down to Navarre’s timeless conundrum — “Is it better to speak or to die?” However, on the other side of that, when you decide to give grace repeatedly or not say what’s on your mind, you tend to build resentment. So it feels like a sinking ship to say the least, or in my case, avoidance until you’re ready to brush aside the issue.Â
What’s even more interesting is that when I get into conflict in my relationships, I notice an influx of posts from “relationship experts” on social media that are an echo chamber of their own — and only push me further into my avoidant tendencies. These posts usually are comprised of people reiterating exactly what I feel at the moment, which is that friends, boyfriends, situationships, etc. are incredibly deliberate in their actions, and not being invited to that impromptu lunch actually means they’re disrespecting you, and to set boundaries, you absolutely have to ignore them until they read your mind and apologize and make it up over and over again, and not just lip service, but through their actions too. Not to mention the perfect algorithmic timing my Spotify has when I’m knee deep in these conflicts, and I get suggested to “jump back in” to the friendship break playlist from 4 years ago.Â
I mean. Can anyone in a vulnerable position really deny this kind of reaffirming advice fed to them in an algorithm specifically meant to keep you doomscrolling? And once you like one, it’s over. Your entire for you page is filled with relationship advice from people who are seemingly qualified in something good enough for you to believe them. They tell you what you want to hear more than anything else — that you’re right, and more than anything, the only option is for you to shut the door on that relationship and “protect your peace.”
I think we all are somewhat aware of how social media algorithms operate, yet we still fall victim to them every now and then, me (incredibly) included. But where do we go from here? Am I doomed to repeat this cycle of isolation, reaffirmed by my algorithm? Am I forever inclined to shut friends out and cut people off at the drop of a hat?Â
The obvious answer is something positioned both no and yes, at least situationally. If you have been having the same repeated problem in a relationship and find yourself being emotionally drained, then yes, it’s time to say goodbye to that relationship. But for me, I’ve been trying to fix my preconceived notion about coming off as too aggressive, and trying to avoid avoidance (ha!), and meet somewhere in the middle. Most notably, reading through articles such as “Stop Firing Your Friends” by author Olga Kahzan, she talks about how your two, three, four, or however many close friends will most likely actually meet your expectations or needs in the exact way you need them met. The solution is to get more friends, or, as Kahzan says, “You don’t need a guide for breaking up with your friends, because you don’t need to break up with your friends. You just need to make more friends.”
The biggest takeaway from Kahzan, for me at least, is that you have to meet people where they are. Including your friends you’ve known since you were babies, including your friend you’ve known for a year, and including the friend you met 5 months ago. I also think that a part of meeting people where they are is understanding how they show their love to you, even if it doesn’t match the way you show love. I would say that this- understanding other people’s love languages- has become quintessential in bettering the relationships in my life. While I’m still working on the deep, intrinsic need to be known wholly and well by another, I think understanding others and appreciating what those relationships mean to me have been a part of making my life a whole lot easier.Â