This year has brought many painful firsts. It’s unbelievable how the world around us can change overnight. One day, everything was fine, and the next day, I found out that I had unexpectedly lost my uncle after just spending the holidays with my whole family for the first time. My grandma had come from Mexico, and my uncle from Georgia; they surprised us. This year is different because we are now each missing a piece of ourselves.
Get-togethers are not the same anymore, as everything is so recent. I still sit there and wait for him to walk through the door. I know it’s not going to happen, but sometimes I like to think he’s busy at a music gig or just out. A significant event was his birthday. We got together to celebrate him, but I still waited for him to show up for his birthday party, and I knew it wouldn’t happen.
Now, remembering how many laughs we shared a year ago, it hurts to think that, unfortunately, this year won’t be the same. He was the light of the party: he always made every small family gathering fun and lively. He was always the first one to get up and dance and pull everyone. He always talked about how we were few in number, but we were happy. He left us with those beautiful memories during the holidays.
The music and traditions feel different this year, as I feel like the world keeps spinning while I’m still trying to navigate grief. Setting up the table feels incomplete because we still count him as part of us, even though he won’t be coming. The music doesn’t feel the same because he’s not dancing, singing along, or putting it on. My family has tried to keep his memory alive at every event we host by telling stories about him or bringing up what he would be doing at that moment. Even though it’s painful, it brings us comfort knowing that his presence is still with us.
Grief is handled differently by everyone. I’ve learned that there’s no manual or timeline to follow, as no matter how happy I am in a particular moment, in the back of my mind, I’m always thinking about how I wish I could share these moments with him. Even though the thought that he won’t be with us this year saddens me, I feel lucky to have shared such beautiful moments with him last year.