Do you spend much more time with your partner than with your friends? Do you always turn to your partner for your emotional needs? Do you not have friends in circles outside of your partner? If the answers are yes, then you might be in an all-or-nothing relationship.
In today’s relationship scene, the norm has become to rely on your relationship for almost all of your needs: emotional, sexual, and financial. We tend to seek out long-term relationships based on love. But, this is actually a relatively new approach to relationships — before the 18th century, partners actually loving each other was seen as dangerous and maladaptive, and loving a partner more than your friends was even seen as an antisocial form of insanity. And that sounds so foreign to us now, but they were actually right: putting too much emphasis on your relationship can be what ruins it, and the connections you have around you.
Romantic relationships have become increasingly isolating, with the expectation of integrating your partner into every facet of life and the investment of so much more time into a partner than friends. There’s a large amount of sociological research suggesting that marriage, and romantic relationships in general, weaken other social ties. People in relationships are less likely to call or visit friends and family, and are less inclined to offer support in return.
Essentially, the all-or-nothing relationship evolves when people turn to a partner for needs that an entire community would have fulfilled before. Things like companionship, advice, and other emotional support. This type of relationship can result in overlooking the meaningful platonic relationships in your life, which isn’t healthy. Humans are social creatures, and one person alone is not equipped to meet your every need.
“If you’re afraid of loneliness, don’t marry”
— Anton Chekhov
Then what do you do if you’re in a relationship like this?
Many sociologists in this area of study suggest that these relationships often struggle, but that working on outward relationships rather than the romantic relationship itself can help. By not holding your partner responsible for every one of your needs — and not being under the pressure of meeting each of theirs, the relationship can actually become more stable. Cultivating these external platonic relationships is paramount to sustaining a healthy romantic relationship!
Maintaining external friendships and support can also be vital when a romantic relationship turns sour. Many people without strong support systems end up remaining in unhappy or unhealthy relationships because they don’t feel like they have anyone else. So keeping friendships strong helps you, in or out of your romantic relationships!
In the words of Mandy Catron, “Turn toward the people around us as often as we turn toward each other.”
So be there for your friends and let them be there for you as well. It might seem counterintuitive that investing more time in those around you than just in your romantic relationship will improve things with your partner, but it can make it healthier for all parties involved.
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