Falling in love is exhilarating. There’s suddenly someone who makes ordinary moments feel special in a whole different way. Falling in love is new. You start learning what it’s like to build something with someone special. Falling in love can feel like home. Comforting and safe. You want to pour into the relationship, nurture it and watch it grow, especially when it feels like this could be your person. You naturally want to spend more time together, synching schedules and calendars, sharing meals while watching a cute show, and squeezing in a quick (or not so quick) goodnight call before bed. But sometimes, in that excitement, novelty and warmth, it’s easy to let parts of yourself quietly slip into the background, whether that be your routines, your convictions, your independence, and with it, self of sense and accomplishments.
The goal isn’t to hold back love but to stay rooted in who you are while you experience life and intimacy with someone else. And honestly, that’s easier said than done. I’ve had moments where I needed to pause and think. I’ve seen it happen to my friends. It is easy to start shaping your world around someone you really care about. It doesn’t happen in one big moment. It’s bit by bit. It’s in the little compromises that slowly pile up. And compromise is part of any healthy relationship. It’s honestly needed for harmony. The difference is that healthy compromise feels mutual. Here, both people are adjusting, meeting each other halfway. Losing yourself, on the other hand, is when you start to shrink. It’s when your “yes” becomes automatic and your needs quietly take the back seat. I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that love shouldn’t ask you to abandon the things that make you you. In those moments of realization, it helps to remember that the best relationships leave room for both people to grow side by side, not behind each other’s shadows.
And in all honesty, I’m still learning this. Being in what I see people call a medium-distance relationship, there are days where I feel my life stretching to meet theirs. Our connection feels natural and supportive, which makes it even more important for me to stay intentional about maintaining my own rhythm and identity alongside someone I consider my best friend who holds so much of my heart. But because of the distance, I sometimes catch myself waiting for the next call, the next weekend, the next moment we get to share space, even if it’s just through a screen. I’ve been learning to hold that tenderness without letting it become the only place I feel anchored. It makes a world of difference.
To love deeply without disappearing into the love. That’s the goal. And that’s where intention comes in. Let’s take a look at some considerations to help keep your sense of self strong, even as you build something beautiful together!
Don’t Bend Your Calendar to Fit Theirs
When someone you care about is free, it’s tempting to drop everything and run to them. Constantly cancelling your own plans can send two dangerous messages. First, that your commitments don’t matter. Second, that they don’t need to consider your time. Maintaining friendships, hobbies, and solo downtime not only keeps you balanced, it actually makes the relationship healthier. Independence is attractive, and it shows you’re with your partner by choice, not by dependency, which is always the goal! I’ve noticed that when I keep showing up for my life outside of the relationship, I actually show up more present and loving when we are together. It feels less like clinging, more like choosing.
Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations
One of the biggest lessons I learned the hard way? People aren’t mind readers. I used to think, “If they really cared, they’d just know.” The reality is they won’t, and they shouldn’t be expected to. Maybe you expect a text before bed, or you assume weekends or certain days you’re in the same city automatically mean quality time. When those unspoken expectations go unmet, disappointment creeps in. This is not because they don’t care, but because you never said what you needed. So say it. Talk about how often you like to communicate, how you handle conflict, what makes you feel appreciated. One of my friends sums it up pretty nicely: boundaries aren’t walls, they are guidelines for how to be there for each other better. I remember them telling me they finally admitted to their partner that they needed more check-ins, and instead of conflict, it opened up space for them to show up for each other with more care.
Don’t Bottle Things Up
Swallowing frustrations might feel easier in the moment, but they don’t disappear. They end up bubbling over. Over time, suppressed feelings can leak out as passive-aggressive comments, cold shoulders, or curt conversations. Addressing issues early, even when uncomfortable, prevents them from becoming unmanageable. Start small and lead with a quick “Can we talk about…” to make room for honesty without blame.
Now, even if you have someone who is quite in tune and catches your small shifts, they can’t carry the conversation for you. They can notice the pause, the quieter tone, the hesitation. However, noticing isn’t the same as knowing. I’ve had moments where I stayed quiet because I didn’t want to seem like I was taking things too seriously. They can tell and ask what’s wrong. During these moments, I realized I was still waiting for them to do the emotional lifting. I realized being understood doesn’t replace actually speaking. If we don’t say what we’re feeling, we’re not really giving us the chance to understand each other. We begin to just hoping our partner guesses perfectly.
Keep Your Own Story Alive
A partner should enhance your narrative, not replace it. Keep up with the book club, your workouts, your friends, all your many hobbies. The goal isn’t to live parallel lives but to bring fresh energy back to the relationship. When both partners maintain individuality, the connection stays dynamic. I found it brings new and cool things to the convo. You each have something new to share, rather than looping endlessly through the same conversations. You also just feel happier and that energy can only benefit all of your other relationships, including romantic ones.
Maintain Your Self-Care Rituals
Along the same line, when life gets busy, self-care is often the first thing we sacrifice. But don’t trade your sleep, workouts, or creative outlets for more together time. Protecting your mental and physical health gives you the resilience to show up as your best self in the relationship. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say.
Lean on Your Support System
It’s natural to lean on your partner for support, but they shouldn’t be your only lifeline. Friends, family, mentors, and communities give perspective and remind you of who you are outside the relationship. Maintaining those bonds helps you stay anchored if the relationship hits rough waters. Every relationship is special and you can’t expect your partner to give you ALL that you need. I watched one of my friends slowly drift from her social circle without meaning to. This was not because the relationship was unhealthy, but because it was comfortable and safe. And when they went through a rough patch, she realized she had no one to turn to who remembered her outside of the relationship. Rebuilding those connections took time, but it brought her back to herself in such a grounding way.
Not losing yourself in a relationship is about balance. Love should feel expansive, not confining. Protecting your time, caring for yourself, and nurturing connections outside of your partner are not selfish moves. They are acts of care. When you show up as your fullest, authentic self, you give your partner the best gift possible: a healthy, whole person to love!