“If you could have any superpower, what would you want to have?” This has been one of my least favorite questions. Not only do I think it is one of the more uncreative conversation starters, but I also think it is a highly unrealistic question; superpowers aren’t real, so why would I spend time thinking about it? This thought came to me after having a conversation with one of my old coworkers, who had asked me the question, and all I could answer with was an unimaginative, generic answer: “teleportation, so I could get to class faster.”
However, as I have progressed through my sophomore year, a year that has invited plenty of self-reflection and discovery, I think, if I could have any superpower, it would be the ability to turn back time.
My Experience
Now, when I say this, it’s not necessarily so that I could go back in time and relive my childhood. As much as the nostalgia gets to me, I would want to leave my childhood just as it was. On the contrary, since I have been in college, I’ve often wished I could go back in time, whether it be to retake an exam, spend more time preparing for a presentation, or, in a more draining case, realize earlier what I want to do. I think this comes from how, as a first-generation student and the first in my family to go to college, I have always put pressure on myself to get it right the first time. And well, I wish I could go back and have it all figured out like I thought I originally had.
Additionally, being someone who is constantly in her head doesn’t help. I am always questioning what is and isn’t right for me, or what will allow me to not only support myself but also to help my family; these thoughts always stick in my head, pressing on me in everything I do. I entered college as a social work major driven to become the person I knew my mom needed when I was younger. I hoped to be someone families and children could rely on, providing them with services and care, aiming to help in any way I could. I also wanted to go into the clinical setting and help families navigate insurance or connect them with additional services post-hospitalization. However, not long after beginning my second semester, I realized that, while I wanted to help others, I might not be able to help myself. I also found that I enjoyed more hands-on work.
Looking into other majors, I began to spiral. It felt as if my feet had left the ground and I was just floating.
A prominent idea I had about being a first-gen student is that you have to work with resilience and use your parents’ work as a means of motivation to show them their work hasn’t been in vain. I began to think I didn’t possess these qualities, and I questioned what I was doing and where I was going. It was tough thinking that I may have led myself to disappointment, that all that work may have been for nothing. Being the first with no guidance was hard enough; having no plan or idea about what to do was even worse.
Since starting my sophomore year, I have tried to maintain a mindset that it’ll all work out and that I’ll be fine. There are days when I can’t wait for the spring so that I can begin my new courses for my new major, and there are others when I honestly just sit and think about what I’m doing. To avoid this, I have begun journaling again and listening to podcasts, such as Suburb Talks (my current heartbreak right now…) and Out of Character to fill the quietness, because sometimes, music is not enough. I have also been going to the gym; although I haven’t been extremely consistent, it helps to focus on not falling off the Stairmaster instead of sitting in my room, again, questioning what I am doing.
Lastly, going home, or at least seeing my mom, always helps. Something about being able to run errands with my mom, or just being able to go home, reminds me of what I am working towards, and I’m reminded that I will be okay.
As much as I still want a crystal ball to tell me what my future looks like, I am hopeful of what is to come. I continue to question, and I continue to spiral, but working towards this new life I want and making my mom proud keeps me going. To add on, hearing and seeing other Latinas work in what I hope to go into helps me realize that what I hope to go into is possible.
It was hard to realize that my previous major wasn’t what I thought I wanted, but I remind myself that I can continue to help others; It’ll just be in a different way.
Conclusion
As a first-gen student, it’s hard not to overthink what you are doing, especially when it feels as if the world is working against you, but I think it’s important to allow yourself to remember who you’re doing this for and why. As exciting as college is, it can also be daunting, but it’s nothing impossible, no matter what you decide to do. Give yourself peace and don’t be too hard on yourself; it is not easy navigating these new spaces.