It’s that time of year again for us college girls. We’re in the highly anticipated “ber” months, which have consisted so far of football games, fall fun, Halloweekend, and more, and will soon culminate with the “big two”: Thanksgiving and Christmas.
While these holidays are often depicted in entertainment and media as perfect “cookie cutter” days spent with loving families, they can look different for children of divorce. For us, ’tis the season of fretting over how to split our time equally and feeling guilty when we inevitably cannot. Grappling with a family divided on the days togetherness is most emphasized is no easy feat, and anxiety and tension can take the place of that good ‘ol holiday cheer.
Especially if your parents divorced recently, and you’ve experienced most of your holidays being all together, it can be disappointing, saddening, and even frustrating when you’re suddenly faced with questions of who to spend your time with on these days, now that it’s not just a given. That being said, you aren’t alone, and there are ways to lessen the burden of dealing with these holidays that suddenly look different. Here are my three biggest tips for managing it and what has been most helpful for me.
1. Guilt has no place at your table
This is a big one, and for me, the toughest to remember and put into practice. Undoubtedly, it’s easy to feel some semblance of responsibility, almost a “duty” to both sides of the family. When your parents are split up, whoever’s Thanksgiving dinner you don’t attend or Christmas party you miss may be misconstrued as “choosing” or favoring one side over the other (though it should be noted that this is totally okay to do). And it’s incredibly difficult not to feel guilty about this.
2. You’re No Doctor Strange
As much as my younger self wished for the superpower of being able to be in two places at once, it never did come to fruition. To remedy this, my sister and I tried to split time as equally as possible between Mom’s and Dad’s sides on holidays.
We cut Thanksgiving dinner at my maternal grandmother’s house pretty short only to arrive at Dad’s just in time for leftover pie. The situation wasn’t ideal, but anything that has to do with divorce rarely is. Meaning no harm, my mother expressed sadness at our leaving in the middle of dinner. My sister and I ruminated on this for a while, feeling immensely guilty. But we realized that, at the end of the day, it was our holiday, too, and we wanted to spend it with both of our parents, and there was no way to do this without leaving somewhere early and arriving somewhere late.
We discussed this with our Mom and set a boundary, explaining that her saying things like this made us upset. She now refrains from saying things that she knows may generate guilty feelings, instead treasuring the time we do spend with her side on holidays.
Moral of the story? You can’t be in two places at once, so you choose how you want to split (or not split) your time with family around the holidays. Also, setting boundaries with your loved ones can help drive away those pesky, unwarranted feelings of guilt.
3. De-emphasizing Dates
“Christmas” is December 25. Sure, that’s a fact. But not everyone celebrates it on the 25th. For example, those who have to work on the 25th, like first responders, may choose another day to exchange gifts and holiday cheer. And this doesn’t make it any less of a Christmas.
So, if you’re stressing about where you’re going to celebrate this year, that dreaded question of “Mom’s or Dad’s,” ask yourself: why not both? My sister and I, as mentioned before, attend each side’s Thanksgiving. And for Christmas, we go to my Mom’s side on the 25th, and celebrate with my Dad’s side on the 26th, and the latter doesn’t feel any less special. Plus, double the presents never hurt anyone.
It’s important to remember that your holiday should be what’s best for you, and if that means staying at Mom’s or Dad’s the whole day, never mind what any family members think! That’s what you should do. And if you really want to attend both sides’ celebrations but can’t make it work in one day, alternating years (e.g. Christmas at Mom’s one year, Dad’s the next) or celebrating earlier or later can relieve pressure while still keeping the holiday magic. Dates really don’t matter!
To wrap this up, one thing I especially want to emphasize is that it is completely okay to feel whatever you feel around this time. Divorce sucks, plain and simple. You don’t have to put on a happy face for your family and friends, and this doesn’t make you a Scrooge or a Grinch — just human. You’re allowed to have conflicted feelings around the holiday season, and I’ve found that repressing emotions like sadness or frustration just makes me more miserable. You can be grateful at the Thanksgiving table while wanting an undivided family, and merry on Christmas morning while feeling melancholy for past Christmases under one roof. If you don’t let anyone pigeonhole your emotions, this holiday season is sure to be just that much more enjoyable.