It’s that time of year again when the leaves change colors, you start to catch up to the rhythm of classes and the apartment feels a little bit more like home. Everything is picture perfect on the outside, but on the inside you start to get that lonely fall feeling after seeing pictures of couple costumes (or at least I do). How does a girl start to enjoy the single life when all she wants is that stupid matching couple costume? Here’s how an older sister navigates the single space.
Older Sister Syndrome
It’s weird growing up hyper independent and then suddenly realising that you want someone by your side, how it overcomes your thoughts. When I get that lonely feeling I feel so confused because how could someone as confident and grown as I was, wait for a boy? Sometimes I watch rom-coms like “27 Dresses” or “The notebook” in my room and tell myself that everyone gets their rom-com story at some point, but where’s mine? I thought I had it in my last relationship of three years but it made me realize there was another story I was waiting for. Occasionally, I feel that future story sending me reminders. I think I see parts of it when my parents are cooking together in the kitchen, when I notice a first date at a coffee shop or see couples walking hand in hand down the street. Is it too much to want a guy that is simply into me, thoughtful, passionate and kind? Or have we run out here in San Marcos…
The Chilly Breeze
These specific feelings also take their own toll in the fall. The change from warm wind to a chilly breeze makes it feel like you need a hand close or a big jacket to warm you, all the more. The leaves changing colors make me realize how time continues to pass no matter how I feel. Nervous, sick, confused, excited, hopeful etc, they don’t care. It’s almost scary how quick the dropping temperatures show how the year has gone by, yet it’s been forever since I’ve been in love. I’m stuck in between leaves changing colors slowly on the tree and striking each day on my calendar with hopes of new experiences and haunted by old ones.
Great Expectations
When thinking about managing the single space, I turn to my friends. However, I feel a tad out of touch realizing the prominent dating app culture of today. I mean don’t get me wrong, I completely understand why: we’re all afraid of rejection, addicted to our phones, and it’s just convenient. But whatever happened to a meet-cute? I’d give anything to bump into a dreamy guy, strike a conversation with him at a party or even happen to be sitting next to him in class. And besides the“high hopes”, it feels like there’s so much room for everything in dating (too much if you ask me). Talking, situationships, locked in, on a break, like give me a break. Half of the guys I talk to end up changing colors with the leaves and moving on with the seasons. Whatever happened showing up to a girl’s door with flowers, sending letters and playing into genuine affection? Or maybe I’m lost in time.
Love Letter Writer
The single space is thought provoking and daunting, but time alone has made me recognize the parts of myself and my life that are most important, especially what I want in a relationship. Here’s what I have in the list I made so far: I don’t want to rush into anything or settle. I do want someone gentle, smart and unique. I want to have the courage to be myself and prioritize what I love. I don’t want to give up easily. I do want someone who makes me laugh and will wear the stupid matching halloween costume. Insert Smiley face.
However, writing love letters to anyone and everyone during the changing seasons might be the best way to go about the single space. And no I don’t mean actual Lara Jean letters. I mean appreciation for those people that get you through each day who you might not recognize. I mean my best friend has heard all of these thoughts hundreds of times, she’s been there with undeniable care. My mom facetimes me every night and gives me advice and I realize how much of a blessing it is to talk to people who already know everything about you. I think receiving love from the world around you is its own special kind of relationship. Sometimes it’s when my roommate makes me a chai in the morning, I find the perfect thrifted top, when I get home right at golden hour, my plants start blooming or when my little brother texts me goodnight. It’s easy to crave things you don’t have, (like a dreamy boyfriend), but it’s even easier to ignore the blessings around you.
Maybe being in a relationship isn’t the only thing that can fill your life with love. I guess I have what I needed all along, just not exactly what I had expected. But… perhaps my rom-com is still out there and instead of waiting around for a meet-cute and a guy to sweep me off my feet, I won’t just be waiting for him but meeting myself halfway.
Within the chilly breeze of fall, grab a warm cup of tea and start focusing on the love you already receive, and soon, we will find the love we have yet to get.