In 10 days, I will be 20! How did it happen so fast? Growing up, I had the most elaborate birthday parties, and they were a blast. My memories of this time are mostly fond, though I also have memories of staring out at the party and feeling like the most miserable one there. I can’t recall when I flipped from being excited about my birthday to dreading it. It may have always been a mix of both. So long to my teenage years! How can I ever be anything but a teenager? It’s been who I am for so long. Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited for my 20s. They are so cool, chic` and exciting. You have way more freedom and such incredible times ahead of you during this time, at least from my perspective.
But there’s still this lingering sadness that feels like it’s choking me.
Do you ever see a celebrity the same age as you who is remarkably more successful, and then think to yourself… what the hell am I doing with my life? You start measuring your worth in milestones like degrees, jobs, relationships and your success in dreams you can’t tell are even yours anymore. But relax. I know you’ve heard this before, but truly, just breathe. You are doing enough.Â
Women are conditioned from a very early age to think that aging is bad, which is not true, but it still has a massive impact on society. We call men “distinguished” and women “past their prime” as they age, as if time itself plays favourites. As much as I love the woman I’m growing into, I don’t want to lose all of my younger me, and it scares me that so many parts of her are slipping away. I don’t want to lose that spark. It feels like aging is hitting me so hard because it’s proof that life is happening, and it forces me to reflect on whether I’ve really been present for it. What if I wasted my time? There are songs I’ll never hear for the first time again. There are summers I’ll never get back. There are good and bad moments that will forever remain as memories I can’t even replay in my mind clearly. Â
There is a mix of grief and nostalgia as I look back on fond memories, but I’ve come to realize that feeling that way is the answer to my question. It is a privilege to long for your own memories; it means you’ve experienced something incredible. But unfortunately, there is also grief in regret. How many of those “let’s do that soon” have become “I wish we did that”? There are lives you’ll never live. The versions of you that stayed, the ones that left sooner, the ones that said yes or no at the wrong time. They all make up who you are now. Those mistakes, although they sting, are part of life too.Â
It’s also not just you changing. The older you get, the more you realize that everything and everyone changes shape. You grow apart from people you thought you’d have beside you forever. You meet new people in most unexpected places. For me, I’ve stopped chasing the chaos of having a hundred people “know” me, and have enjoyed more time with the people who genuinely do. Having milestones like a birthday to reflect on how life looks is very emotional. There are times you sink so low you can’t imagine it getting worse until it does. The table is empty when you want support, or it’s full of everyone but the one person you wish were there. But then, maybe next year, you look up past the candles at all the wonderful people and things around you with relief and gratitude.
My friend sent me a video about filming your happy-birthday videos backwards, instead of pointing them at all the people and love surrounding you. I have fallen in love with that idea and mindset. Things change, but not everything has to. You can hold on to parts and let go of others. Growing is a gift. You are not running out of time. I’m still afraid of getting older, but I think that means I still care deeply about how I spend my time here.