Growing up, I hated when teachers would do assigned seats in class, especially when I was in the front. I would dread being assigned a seat in the front row of a classroom.
To middle school me, sitting in the front row would ruin the class. I felt like all eyes were on me. I felt like the teacher would always call on me for every question. I felt like I couldn’t blow my nose or get up to go to the bathroom without being the center of attention.
When I got to high school, not as many of my teachers implemented seating charts, so naturally, I sat in the back. I sat in the back, not because I was a bad kid or trying to get away with not paying attention, but because I wanted to be invisible.
I wanted to be aware of my surroundings without the potential for anyone to pay attention to me. I liked the back row. Sitting in the back soon became my safety blanket.
I remember during my senior year of high school, one of my teachers sat me in the front row, and I was automatically filled with anxiety. After a few weeks of classes, I worked up the courage to ask him if I could move to the empty seat in the back of the room.
It was in the back corner, surrounded by the kids who didn’t even bother to open their notebooks or pretend to pay attention. I knew this wasn’t where I belonged, but I also knew I didn’t feel safe in the front.
Coming to college, I practically had free rein over where I chose to sit on the first day, and from then on, that seat became my unassigned “assigned” seat. Freshman year, my anxiety was at its peak. I chose the back row for every opportunity possible.
I showed up to class especially early to ensure that nobody took my seat in the back of the room. Half the time, I could barely even see the power point, and I often got distracted by everyone watching Netflix on their laptops in front of me.
For the next year, I followed the same pattern, sitting in the very last row if possible and avoiding the front row at all costs, but this semester was different. I willingly chose to sit in the front of one of my classes. I walked in on the first day, and something was different.
I wasn’t worried that I would be the center of attention for sitting up front. I felt more engaged in the class and more connected to the professor.
Most people wouldn’t think of where you sit in a classroom as being a big deal, but up until recently, I let it be a source of anxiety that impacted my life on a daily basis. Although it may sound silly, changing my usual routine was almost like exposure therapy to me.
I can’t believe that I let something so small affect my life in that way. Choosing to sit in front taught me that growth doesn’t always happen through a big change. Sometimes, it’s just doing that little thing that you were always afraid of and realizing that you’re alright.