Allow yourself to shine without the desire to be seen.Â
Confession: I’m a Notion girlie. I love planning out my life in documents and tables, and customizable pages. But I mostly love Notion for how I’m able to make it mine. Opening it gives me a sense of order. But opening Notion and reading that message to myself gives me something else. In reality, I don’t know what to call it: validation, gratification, comfort? I just like to see that I’m doing something right. And yes, I did type out that quote for myself, and I still do get a little flutter of happiness when I read it every morning. But it does serve as a good reminder of how I want to live my life. I want my life to be about that validation. It doesn’t have to be external validation (though I won’t complain if I receive that, #TypeAPeoplePleaser), but just knowing that you’ve been acknowledged for your work or your personality is just so worth it. And as great as that is, sometimes you have to do things knowing that you’re the one who sees them. You’re the only one who sees the work you put in. The effort and the sacrifices you’ve made. Even in realms outside of work and school, you have to recognize your passion and talent and knack for just doing things, you know?Â
I’ve learned that I can’t take those moments for granted. I can’t deny myself those pieces of joy, those glimmers of myself and uninhibited existence. And it wasn’t an easy or quick process. Everyone says just take care of yourself and start caring more about things, and all I kept thinking was “it’s not that simple.” And throughout this whole process of trying to become more confident in myself and my life, I found myself trying too hard. It’s not about how much I try, or how I feel afterwards or beforehand, or even how much planning I do (hello Type A, we meet again). It’s about how I feel in the moment itself. It’s about the feelings I feel in each step of life, each movement I breathe through, each motion I push through daily. Bringing the self-assuredness into each second of every day (or at least trying to) is such a big change, and it’s so freeing. Not worrying about how I appear or how other people perceive me is quite possibly one of the most gratifying transformations in my life, and I’m grateful for the version of me that existed before this, so I can fully appreciate how she felt, and fully love who I am.Â
Obviously, like everyone, I have faults and I have things I’m insecure about, and that’s healthy, in my opinion. It shows room for growth, and it proves that you’re human. Sometimes I wish I weren’t five foot one, or that I didn’t have the chronic illnesses I’m stuck with, and it’s okay to feel those thoughts when they happen, but the main thing that I focused on changing was actually letting those thoughts pass me by. There’s so much power in thinking things, feeling them, and then choosing to feel how you truly want to in that moment.Â
Try to imagine yourself in your daily routine. Imagine the steps you go through. Planning your outfit – I plan mine the night before, in the order I put each item on. Imagine how you’ll feel putting on the outfit. Dress to impress, but not always for others – impress yourself. My whole M.O. is “look good, feel good,” and I swear it does wonders for productivity and self-confidence, even if it’s just jeans and a top. Picture which lip gloss you’ll wear, or which perfume or cologne you’ll put on. And I don’t care how ridiculous this next part sounds, but visualize walking past that person. Imagine how they’ll react when they see you. Maybe it’s not a crush, maybe it’s a friend of yours who you look up to. Maybe it’s that girl in class who always seems to silently (or not so silently) judge you. Imagine feeling so confident that you don’t even think about how they’ll react to you or anything else around them. Take that feeling, bottle it up, and breathe it in whenever you need a boost. It’s intoxicating. It’s the power of owning how you feel and how you live your life in your hand. It’s the stick of gum that you offer a friend. It’s the compliments on your lip gloss. It’s making eye contact with that almost friend and thinking, this is it. It’s that A on your thousand-word paper. It’s holding the door for someone and feeling like a person. It’s confidence.Â
I’m not saying how I live my life is perfect, nor will it ever be. There’s always space for growth and new people, new goals, new passions, new endeavors. But going through life with that feeling of power in yourself and contentment in your appearance, not just physically but in every other aspect, really makes the life you’re living worth it. Like you’re not just moving through life, but you’re experiencing it. In all its ups and downs, all the emotions, all the glitter and pebbles that make things worth the wait. Maybe it is that simple. :)