College is a pivotal point in so many people’s lives, and dating is a huge part of that experience. Dating in college or dating in your 20s is something almost everyone experiences. It comes with its highs and lows, and honestly, I find that the lows are the hardest.
Learning what’s healthy, what’s not, and when to walk away has taken me some time to figure out. So, how do you actually do it? I’ve been through my fair share of long-term breakups, which I define as any relationship lasting longer than a year. I’ve also had a few smaller flings, but those never seem to sting as badly. Here’s what has (and hasn’t) worked for me.
For smaller breakups, my go-to solution is simple: I talk it out with my friends. We grab food and unpack everything that happened, with one rule — no talking about what could have happened.
We go through the pros and cons, and the cons list almost always ends up longer. This usually helps us rationalize that sometimes things end for the better. It also helped me realize that not everyone is meant to be your person, and that’s okay.
For me, long-term breakups are a different story. I always know it’s over when I start to feel more emotionally drained, and when spending time with my significant other begins to feel like an obligation instead of something I look forward to. They begin to not feel like a person I can go to for advice, venting, or help with something. If we’re living together, home is something I start to avoid as well. I’ve felt the dread of coming back to someone who no longer feels like a partner. Once I stop feeling appreciated or loved, that’s my sign — it’s time for us to part ways.
The first step is to get out. That’s the priority. Return each other’s belongings, take what’s yours, and move out if necessary, or move them out. Whether it’s a messy breakup or not, making that separation is a priority.
For me, what I’ve found helps next is to go no contact. I know, I know, it’s really tempting to try being friends. But from my experience, it rarely works. Every text, every comment, every interaction becomes loaded. Eventually, it can lead to a second “friend breakup,” which can hurt worse. It’s easier to cut ties while you’re already in the process of letting go.
After that, I do something my mom taught me: the “reset period.” When you finally settle down and get everything figured out, you give yourself a 24-hour reset period.
This, in my experience, always works best with your best friend or a small group of friends (even if it must be over FaceTime). You have this time to cry, mourn, miss them, miss what could’ve been, and miss the part of you that you may have lost. I love to watch movies, stuff my face with junk food and ice cream, and keep talking. Finally, I give myself the time to grieve and then move on.
After the reset period, the goal for me is to learn to live alone again. Rediscover who I am, what I liked before them, who my closest friends really are, and learn to love life by myself for a little bit. This is something I’ve done since high school, and it’s always helped me bounce back.
Will this work for everyone? Of course not. Breakups are hard, and it’s not a one-size-fits-all situation. Emotions will always be complicated; it’s what makes us human. However, I think that it’s one of the best parts of life, being able to feel so deeply. But if you’re reading this because you went through a breakup, and you don’t know where to start, maybe this could work for you.
Grab your closest friend (or friends), put on a good movie, get some of your favorite snacks, and let it out. From there, you’ll be able to figure out the journey that works best for you.
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