Everywhere I look, social media, in my own circle of friends, I have seen an influx on key terms such as “situationships” and “nonchalant”. Months of talking, deep emotional connections, possibly even love without the label. It is everything a relationship should be, until you ask those dreaded words, “What are we?”. Until you ask for commitment, and then it becomes “bad timing” or “I am just not ready to be in a relationship”.
The Digital Age of Dating
Our generation has grown up in the digital age, and so did the way we date. We have moved on from organic meetings, slow burn romance, and the perfect meet cute. Romance we have seen on TV. A car ride between Harry and Sally leading to a blooming friendship turned lovers. Even Jennifer Lopez, a classic damsel in distress getting saved by her knight in shining armor Matthew McConaughey in The Wedding Planner. Tinder and Hinge have become the fast food of emotional connection. With a few swipes we are introduced to a sea of potential partners, and the idea of the perfect match must be out there somewhere.
We see the highlight reels of relationships on social media. Grand gestures, boo baskets, elaborate dates, and start to measure love by the scale of its performance. We chase an image rather than an experience. Comparing reality to a filtered fantasy. Vulnerability becomes a weakness, we only show it when we know they will stick around.
Too Many Fish in the Sea
Maybe the problem is that we have too many options. Dating apps have convinced us that something better is always close by. Debilitating us into the belief that if we see imperfection, we run. Forgetting love is meant to be imperfect. Commitment has become scary, as that means settling, and at times that feels like failure.
Social media and technology have made it easier to avoid emotional accountability. You don’t like how the conversation is going? Delete the chat. You can’t explain why you lost interest, or don’t want to own up to it? Ghost them. Modern day avoidance is disguised as empowerment. The ability to walk away and not break no contact. This concept makes me wonder if disappearing is mistaken for healing, and if being detached is truly a strength.
The Chase
Among my friends, one ongoing theme keeps coming up: the chase. A relationship with no labels, that we are just “seeing where it goes”. But the truth is, it is human nature to want to be seen, to be chosen without having to ask. We spend hours talking, spending time together, it feels like everything a relationship should be except with the one thing that counts, commitment.
The chase is thrilling yet temporary. Often leaving you confused and wondering which aspects of that experience were truly real. Once we catch what we have been running after, the facade of it all fades, and oftentimes, so does the excitement. The idea of almost loving, it is an addictive feeling. Allowing us to feel something more without the fear of being grounded.
Being Casual
The term nonchalant truly haunts me. To not let a person truly know how you feel. A sort of guard that makes it seem as if it won’t bother you which way this situation goes. A guard against rejection, imperfection and growth. Something to hide our vulnerability, to be known romantically. Of course we have other things in our lives that fill up our cup. Our friendships and hobbies that keep us excited about life. Being known beyond those things is terrifying, and I personally have never been able to be casual and have never pretended like I could.
We live in an age where it is easy to meet someone but hard to truly connect. We have our own guards up and make excuses for why we won’t even try to make things work. Because real love takes effort, patience and courage. Not curated moments, or the aesthetic. Showing up when it is inconvenient. Presence over potential, knowing when to walk away when you are giving more than what you are receiving.
Because in the wise words of Penn Badgley “Is it ever casual?”.