Back-To-School

For as long as I can remember, the back-to-school season has brought me a countless number of emotions: excitement, pain, possibilities, grief. Listen, don’t get me wrong, I love the structure that is provided in my life by the academic year. School, work, and my social life are a fun jigsaw puzzle to work out, and I especially love that when the academic year begins, all my friends return to the city. But there’s a storm cloud looming over the excitement of it, and that is Sept. 7.  

Thirteen years ago, my little sister passed away, and the back-to-school season hasn’t felt the same since. The little things are what seem to hurt me the most. Whether it was when I was younger and I would see the number of families taking first day of school pictures with their siblings, reminding me of the space my sister never got to fill, or hearing other mothers talk about purchasing matching dresses for their daughters, which I craved so badly.

Even now, I substitute at a middle school from time to time, constantly interacting with these children who would have been her classmates. I’ve learned that grief can be weird and twisted. I shouldn’t feel resentful towards young children, but my heart aches. These children are discovering themselves, forming life-long friendships, and simply growing up. All things that were rapidly taken away from my sister. Even walking through busy school hallways, I’m reminded of all the “firsts” she will never experience, all the milestones we have marked without her, and it breaks my heart. 

Sometimes, I am stuck between wanting to enjoy the season like everyone else and needing to grieve her absence. Thirteen years later, I have somewhat learned to navigate these mixed feelings, but some Septembers tend to be harder than others. For instance, this September marks the start of my senior year of college, and I can’t believe so much time has passed without her. I feel guilty for moving on with my life and letting the world continue to spin. I wish she could still be here, and I wish I could have seen her experience all of those “firsts”. 

But as much as this season reminds me of what I’ve lost, it’s an equal reminder of everything in front of me. I have learned to rely on the rhythm of the school year as comfort and challenge. Coming back to campus, the excitement of seeing old faces again, the opportunity to begin fresh, all of these give me hope. They encourage me to remember that although my sister is not physically here, she will always be with me every step of the way.

So, although back-to-school season will always make me feel a range of things, all at once, from excitement, hurt, potential, and loss, I’m coming to find space for each of them. My sister’s loss will always be tied to September, but so will my motivation to keep on, and to welcome in joy and sadness together. That tension is hard, yet it’s what makes a new year at school meaningful in a different, jagged, and messy sort of way.