Pounding, rushing, beating, and fleeing through the woods, you crash through branches that scratch deep into your skin, the adrenaline pumping in your veins.
Suddenly, you trip over a shrub and crash to the ground. Desperately crawling away, you find yourself cornered by the horrible beast of a bear. But that was the least of your horrors now.
You see a mysterious figure emerge, trudging through the woods.
The hairy, terrifying beast was no other than… a man!
Yeah, you read that right.
The infamous question, “Would you rather choose a man or a bear?” has become viral this past year. It’s a question that may sound ridiculous to the modern misogynist, but to a woman, it’s an easy answer.
Some may ask, why? Why choose an animal over a human being?
Well, considering that a grizzly didn’t take away our reproductive rights, the obvious answer stands.
So, you chose the bear, now what?
If your dream is to tame this fuzzy cub and live in the forest like a badass, then these fun facts are perfect for you!
Furry Friend, or Foe?
It all starts with the species of your (potential) furry friend! Is it a brown or black bear? Panda or polar bear? The area that you are in is especially important when questioning the species of your cub!
One of the most common species of bear in North America is the infamous American Black Bear.
Pretty basic, right?
But despite their government name, their coats can be a variety of colors, including brown, cinnamon, and even white! While generally avoiding humans, these demure queens like to communicate through vocalizations and tree markings. As experts of social distancing, they are very shy, but overall, rarely hostile!
Because they are so shy, they may become anxious as a result of loud noises or excessive eye contact. To respect their introversion, make sure to stay calm and speak firmly to them.
Now, if you were to take a vacation to Alaska, you may find yourself a brown grizzly bear! These powerful apex predators are known for their brown coats, strong back humps, and wide faces.
Even though people assume grizzlies to be extremely dangerous, they typically avoid humans, attacking only 1 in 2.1 million people. They tend to be curious, gentle, and extremely protective of their cubs! In order not to aggravate them, make sure to give them their space so you can pass the vibe check!
If you were to travel even further North, you would find the infamous polar bear! With their iconic white coats and stoic nature, they are known to be more aggressive toward humans (valid), so when encountering these icy queens, make sure to admire them from afar until they come up to you. Offering food from a distance may show them that you really care!
Bear Besties
Okay, you now have some idea of what type of bear you are befriending. After several weeks of living in the wild, you’ve spent a considerable amount of time keeping in mind your bestie’s personal space, eaten some potentially poisonous berries, and heck, probably set up shelters next to each other by this point!
But before you can get to being the Goldilocks of this fantasy, you need to consider how you can take your relationship to the next level whilst maintaining a safe distance.
One of the ways you can accomplish this is by considering your behavior around your bestie. As I have mentioned before, bears are peaceful creatures that love a calm environment. When confronting your bestie, making yourself look small will show her that you mean no harm and will reassure her that you’re not a threat.
Remember, this isn’t your average dog that wags its tail when you breathe. Your relationship may look like a respectful distance or an occasional play as they try to nibble your hair. Over the next several years of remaining quiet and respectful, those interactions could very well turn into a beautiful bond!
Diet is also important! Even bears like some good grub, so providing a meal for your bestie will act almost like a peace offering. As you may know, bears are omnivores. This may include berries that are native to the area, fish, and even insects! Whatever is safe for you to hunt in the wild will most likely be safe for your bear bestie.
It’s recommended that you do not give food directly to the bear; instead, leave the gift near the entrance of their home. This way, you will maintain a safe distance while also not influencing the bear to steal food from other humans!
Gen-Z Goldilocks
So, you did it! You were delulu enough to try to befriend the bear, and you created a decent bond and lived the rest of your life in the forest. People made a documentary about you and how you had a bear bestie and lived a life rent-free! You sometimes ran around hunting, saying you were the Goldilocks of this generation, and honestly, as crazy as you were, you absolutely slayed the survival look!
In the end, you would run off into the sunset with your bestie, her nails painted with some old nail polish you found in your purse.
Like a badass.