This summer was one of the best. I spent it relaxing on sunny beaches in Italy and Croatia, trying all the gelato flavors known to man, exploring European cities, and re-falling in love after the HORRENDOUS show last semester was.
Coming back home, I was immediately overwhelmed with what my semester schedule looked like. Filled with classes, labs, office hours, and other various commitments, when would I find time to rot in bed, scrolling mindlessly on TikTok? Occasionally, my For You Page is filled with informational and motivating videos – they can either enlighten me on my own potential or make me laugh until I pee myself.
I am currently in, what I describe as my academic redemption arc. Being abroad helped me realize there is so much time in the day, as long as you use it correctly, and there is so much to see, learn, and so many challenges to complete. I often felt emotional doing daily tasks because it was only then I realized how much I had taken for granted; I was (and am) living the life I have prayed for, and I was watching it pass by. Â I was actually buying tzatziki sauce and green bell peppers in Aldi when I decided that it was okay to feel scared and explore the unknown. There are so many opportunities I have passed up on because I was scared of failing or I that they wouldnât live up to my expectations. Now, rather than having stories to share, I have self-doubt about my abilities, due to the fact that I never challenged myself or made myself comfortable with being uncomfortable. This year, I am challenging myself to say yes as much as I can! I am trying to adopt the mentality that I will not learn if I donât experience, and I will not experience if I donât try.
Deciding to spend a month in Italy was really difficult. I went back and forth on my decision and couldnât convince myself one way or the other. My main worry was that I would go and hate it. I couldnât justify spending so much on a what-if. Then, as the due date crept closer, I began to worry that it would be the most fun and by not going I was setting myself up for failure. After talking with a mentor, who convinced me Iâm only 20 and crunk once, I decided I would go and make the most out of whatever came out of the experience. Questions like âWhat if the group is standoffish?â and âWhat if I get homesick?â quickly became âWhat if I meet my best friends?â and âWow! What a blessing it is to have a loving group of people to miss.â.
This mentality change was partly because I was tired of being scared, but also because I was excited for the unknown. I was excited to travel internationally by myself, to wear the outfits I couldnât dare to unfold, to experience another level of independence.
With the trip nearing, I remember I cried a lot. I had just moved back home from college, just started getting comfortable in my âat homeâ routine, and started feeling okay with the bubbling anticipation. With all the excitement and comfort I felt, I was still unbelievably scared. I procrastinated shopping, planning, and packing, because in my head, this trip was a mere idea of what life could be. The night before (I still hadnât packed), when my boarding pass showed up as a live notification, I realized it was real life â and it was my life. I wasnât watching this journey play out on Pinterest or Tik Tok, I was living it, and I could either act with fear or courage.
This trip has completely changed my outlook on life and the mentality I use when approaching hard things. It took a long time to realize that I am worthy of good things. I am worthy of getting good grades, of making money, of picking the cute rugs with flowers on it. I donât need the approval of anyone, just myself, and without the trip to Italy, Iâm not sure when I would have learned that. I feel much more confident in myself and my abilities because I took a (huge) risk and it was the best experience of my life. It was unlike the expectations I had in my head and brought me closer to what self-actualization could look like for me. Â