Personal note: I want to dedicate this article to my twin, Karishma (Karish). Thank you for always being so supportive of me for the last 18 years! Cheers to almost being done with freshman year: I love you!
Growing up, my twin, Karishma, and I always knew that we would go to the same college. I mean, we’re twins, right? It’s just in the “twin code rule book” that we definitely did not make up when we were six…
Separated by four hours without traffic via car, five hours on Amtrak, an 18-hour bike ride, and three days’ walk, I knew the distance would definitely be a struggle. For a little background, I am double majoring in Speech Language and Hearing Sciences (SLHS) and American Sign Language (ASL) and Deaf Studies at the University of Connecticut, and Karish is majoring in Exercise Science with a minor in Psychology at Rutgers. Now, this Husky and Scarlett Knight knew they were in for some big changes, but the road to that would definitely entail some bumps in the road. Here is my experience and advice on going to different colleges as an Identical twin!
The decision that changed everything
When my twin and I were touring colleges pretty much every weekend during the summer of 2023, UConn seemed to catch our eyes the most. From the college feel, the academics, the big campus, we both knew from then on that it would be our #1 pick when it came to making a final decision of where we wanted to go. Fast forward to May 1, when every high school senior wears their coveted college shirt, and my twin and I walked in with a Rutgers and UConn shirt. Let’s just say that was not on our 2024 bingo card.
emotions flying & how to conquer them
I remember crying for a week when I found out my twin was committing to Rutgers. I refused to talk to Karish and would play the song “We’re Not Alike” by Tate McRae, which describes a “backstabber” of a friend in the car. I wouldn’t listen to anyone’s advice or comfort because in that moment when we decided to separate, I took everything so personally and with such anger. Now looking back, I should have been 100 times more supportive of her decision. That is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I should have celebrated with her on getting into an awesome school and been happy for her milestone! She is my twin, best friend, and future godmom to my kids, so I have to support every decision she makes in life. College isn’t just about the social life and atmosphere; a huge part is getting your education! My point is that you are going to college for a degree, so pick the college or university that will set you up for success. For me, that was at UConn, and for my sister, that was at Rutgers. Karish would have been mindless to go to UConn and miss out on Rutgers’ phenomenal occupational therapy program, and I would be foolish to miss out on UConn’s beaming SLHS and ASL program! This was a tough pill for me to swallow, but it’s not fair for your twin to sacrifice their education just so they could spend an extra four years with you.
I know emotions will come flooding: sadness, anger, happiness, guilt, excitement. It will honestly feel like a grieving stage, but I promise you that it is 100% normal and shows that your twin bond is stronger than ever. It is so important to be mature about your twin’s decision and know that if you were in his or her boat, you would want their approval over anyone else’s! Another thing I want to mention is that the feedback we got from others — teachers, parents, friends, relatives, and so on — was completely split! We had some people tell us that this would be the best decision of our lives, and we had others tell us that we wouldn’t survive without one another and that we would regret the decision. This absolutely terrified us.
Something I found really helpful was having a genuine conversation with my twin and hearing each other’s perspectives on the situation. Remember, it’s your life, not anyone else’s! Put your friends and family’s comments to the side and focus on the other half that you care about the most. I truly didn’t understand what was going through Karish’s head until we locked ourselves in a cafe downtown and went through two chai lattes each until the owner kicked us out (true story!). Not only will your twin appreciate it, but you will gain so much clarity from the talk. Trust me.
The timeline is different for everyone
I remember how much I struggled during my first semester at UConn, and from my perspective, my twin was flourishing: making new friends, trying new things, and putting herself out there. On the other hand, I felt like I struggled to make friends, found myself hiding in my dorm — scared of trying something new and incredibly homesick. It made me feel guilty when I called her, and she would have to FaceTime me while she was at a frat, and all she would see was me blowing my nose and trying to hide my puffy eyes, dripping with mascara.
It wasn’t just my twin whom I was calling, but every distant family member known on this planet because I didn’t want my immediate family to see how much I was struggling and how my sister was thriving. My aunt, grandma, uncle, brothers, my future sister-in-law, and my parents quickly saw right through me and made impromptu trips to see me in Storrs because they wanted to check in on me and try to show me the cool parts of Connecticut. About five trips to Mystic later, I started to feel a little bit better, but at the same time, they all didn’t know that the one person I wanted to see was my twin.
It took me 18 years to learn this, but do not allow yourself to compare, because comparison is the thief of joy.
I would be having an awesome day when my twin telepathy would kick in, and my sister would tell me that her day felt the opposite. That call would turn into a rough moment that would affect each other’s days, and that wasn’t fair to either of us. Your twin may have the best day ever, and it could be your worst day ever or vice versa. I’ve come to realize that while sharing our emotions is important, it is just as crucial to protect our own joy at times. You are going to have good and bad days. But that’s okay! I mean, if you think about it, how boring would it be if everyone’s routine and timeline were the exact same? Life throws you curveballs, and sometimes we will get hit in the face by it or catch it. In both scenarios, these experiences shape who we are, and we have to learn to be appreciative of these milestones, positive and negative, in order to move forward in life.
I also want to emphasize that you don’t have to do the same extracurriculars or anything else regarding that matter in college. It is so important to find ways to keep yourself busy because not only will you meet new people, but you will also feel proud of yourself for trying something new. Most colleges have a club fair, so definitely go to that and sign up for as many clubs as you want! Whether it’s major related, interest related, or something random, just go for it! Karish and I didn’t join the same clubs, yet we found our own unique niches, which were never really explored when we were always together.
Gaining independence
I guarantee that if you ask any twin who their best friend is, they will, 95% of the time, say their twin. For the 5% of you twins who aren’t best friends with your twin, then that’s totally okay! Every twin bond is unique.
Karish and I have been glued by the hip since we were little, and that made the transition from high school to college incredibly difficult. The person that you shared a room with, ate with, drove with, and so much more was out of the picture, and trying to navigate that was so intimidating.
This being said, independence is something that was gained immensely on both of our ends in college from the get-go.
College was a reality check that even though my twin and I have spent the last 18 years together, there has to be a point where we go our separate ways and do things in life that aren’t directly with one another. College was the first time Karish and I made decisions without bouncing ideas back and forth with each other, having each other’s judgments, both good and bad, and feeling that blanket of security. That felt so scary at the time, and if you are a twin, it may seem scary for you as well! But know that your twin will always be there for you. When I had an event that I had to go to, I always FaceTimed her to make sure my fit was “twin approved”. When I didn’t know if I missed any spots of my hair when I straightened it, I always FaceTimed her, where she would remind me that I forgot the pieces by my ears and how I am terrible at straightening hair. When I just had to rant to her about how I walked into the wrong lecture hall and sat through ECON 1201 because I was too embarrassed to get up and leave, she would be the one to make me laugh and remind me, “It’s college, who cares?”
Point is, for a lot of us twins, this is the first time where we are on our own, so don’t feel ashamed of giving your other half a call multiple times a day for the first few weeks, because college is a huge adjustment. Instead take everything day by day and be patient with yourself.
I want to share another piece of advice for my twinnies out there that took me a long time to come to terms with: Just because your twin is making new friends, that does not mean that your friendship isn’t incredibly strong. I know to some this may be obvious, but honestly, I would find myself wondering if my twin would “replace” me or even forget about all of our amazing times together. Looking back, I wish I could shake past Hansi and be like, “Wake up! You know that’s not true!” Yet, it is so easy to be apart and have all of these wandering thoughts.
It’s OKAY to be different people in college
I think it’s a universal experience for most twins, identical and fraternal, to have someone tell you at least once in your lifetime: “Stand next to each other so we can tell you guys apart.”
My twin and I absolutely despised that because a lot of the time, people would point out our insecurities, and this would take a hit on our confidence. I remember one time our elementary school teacher had us stand next to each other in the front of the classroom, and people made comments about our appearances that were different or similar, and instead of feeling excited with the little bit of extra attention, we were both mortified. Even our immediate family couldn’t tell us apart growing up, so we both just got accustomed to responding to both “Hansika” and “Karishma.” For 18 years, I didn’t know what it was like to be known as “Hansika.”
Now that we are separated in college, we had the opportunity to be seen not just as “the twins” but as “Hansika” and “Karishma.” This felt like a new chapter in our lives where we could embrace our individualities for once. It felt awesome.
On another note, I often found that I would be pretty introverted growing up at times, whereas my twin would be very extroverted, often making friends for the two of us. Now, in college, without depending on her, I noticed how extroverted I have become and how that probably wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t been apart. With this, I will tell you that you have to learn to be grateful for small lessons and moments like this, because this has made me appreciate our distance even more. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love my twin or miss her at times, because I would be lying if I said I did!
My favorite parts about being away from each other
Now, when I say my “favorite parts,” that doesn’t mean I’m jumping up and down when I get to be away from her all year, but trust me, those reunion hugs will feel like you are hugging someone for the first time. I remember the first time I saw Karish, the Monday before Thanksgiving, and I just bawled my eyes out and would not stop hugging her for five minutes. I wasn’t crying in sad tears, but rather tears of joy because I was so proud of us for staying strong and, duh, this girl is my best friend. Who wouldn’t want a five-minute hug? If you aren’t a fan of hugs, then just think of all of the fall/winter/spring break catchups. The TJ Maxx sprees that you and your twin will drop crazy lore in while buying the most useless and random items, the same humor that will make you both pee your pants laughing, the nightly drives in town blasting Tate McRae, and so on. Even outside of break times, there are other ways to stay connected. For example, the nightly facetimes where you summarize your days will be iconic, the new faces and crushes will have you both screaming for your twin, the impromptu three-minute calls you have while racing from one class to another, and the list goes on, my dear! You and your twin have pretty much been together your entire life; to put into perspective, my twin and I haven’t gone more than three days without one another. Those three days were when I went to UConn’s orientation and had to do an overnight stay in CT. You will find so much to chat about that it will almost make it feel as though your twin is right next to you.
then AND now & how the twin relationship evolved
After the decision was made that Karish and I were going to Rutgers and UConn, it almost had me dreading going to UConn, and it was hard to find the reasons why I decided to go there. I forgot all about the program benefits, the lively campus feels, and the everlasting longing to be a Husky because my mind was occupied with the cons of my going there. Surprise, surprise, those cons all had the word “Karish” in them. “Karish and I won’t get to dorm together,” “Karish and I won’t get to go to the rec together,” “Karish and I won’t get ‘the college experience’ together,” “Karish and I won’t get to celebrate our birthday together (April 8),” and probably 10 million more reasons along those lines. Now, I can see how pessimistic these reasons were, but at the time, I could not seem to stray from them. My world felt like it was ending, and I was getting the short end of the stick. Why? Well, in my eyes, I thought because Karish gets to be closer to family (20 minutes vs four hours via car), she gets to be home on the weekends, be familiar with the area, have home food when she wants, and so much more. It took me until about November to realize that yes, Karish will be closer to home, but homesickness, dietary challenges, and so on exist everywhere, and it wasn’t fair of me to make those comparisons just because Rutgers happened to be closer to my hometown. I decided to go to UConn for a reason, so finding those reasons again would definitely take some time.
How I Hated College at First
This was the first time Karish wasn’t my roommate, as we’ve shared a room since the womb. I remember when Karish and my parents moved me into my dorm in late August, I would take a break every ten minutes, because I hated anticipating the moment we both said our goodbyes. When that time finally came, it felt like my world had just abandoned me all by myself in Storrs, CT, an uncharted territory for me, and the person whom I cared about most vanished. As I watched her location on my iPhone move further and further than mine, my heart broke. In the beginning, making friends without Karish was a little bit challenging, and I would often beat myself up if my social battery died before noon! Most people spent their weekends going out, trying something new, and so on, while I FaceTimed my family every second of the day, crying to them that I wanted to transfer. Mind you, this was all in the span of a month, and old Hansi didn’t know that time is everything!
HOW I ENDED UP LOVING COLLEGE
It wasn’t until November that I felt truly at home at UConn. From the support of the fantastic girls on my dance team, UConn Jhalak, the sweethearts on my floor: Pierrette, Grace, Jillian, Emily, Mckenna, Avery, Delaney, Tanisha, Hannah, Ruby, Adriana, and so many other terrific Public Health people, kind-hearted classmates who I instantly formed a bond with: Eileen, Melanie, Sofia, Gabby, Nyati, Nysa and more and even professors who seemed to shine brighter than others: Colleen Shaw and Jaci Van Heest. It may seem like one person left you at the door, but that door was left open to invite amazing people I probably wouldn’t have met if my twin and I had spent every second together in college. It wasn’t just me who met wonderful people; it was also my twin, and I had the opportunity to meet her friends over Thanksgiving break. It really put everything into perspective about how life has its own timeline and that my twin and I separating was a blessing in disguise.
How our relationship has evolved and gotten so strong
Karish and I can without a doubt confirm that distance makes the heart grow fonder. We both have matured so much with our independence, and it truly has set up a pathway for success in both our lives, which is unbelievable. I will always look forward to our reunions, FaceTime rant sessions, and the most random, dark-humored Instagram Reels and TikToks we send back and forth throughout the day to each other.
my takeaways
Now, I will always continue to use the typical icebreaker of ‘say one fun fact about yourself’ as “I’m an identical twin,” and trust me, in my eyes, that will never get old. And I must say, to all my fellow college students, I am incredibly proud of you! It is not easy to go from one state to 50 states over to a completely new territory where our vulnerability has no shield. Twin or not, whether you are in-state, out-of-state, out of country, or from Mars, it’s not easy to leave the people you love most to start a new chapter in life and put yourself first. It’s so beyond admirable.
So, with about a month left of our freshman years of college, I can say that our choosing to go to different universities was one of the best decisions we could’ve made, not only for ourselves, but for each other. I wish I could go back in time to the two worried seniors in high school and give those girls a big hug and let them know,
“Everything is going to be okay.”
