You don’t have to wear work clothes.
You don’t have to make deadlines.
You don’t have a big pitch this week.
You don’t bring any money into the household.
You don’t deserve a night off…you don’t work a job to begin with.
While Women’s History Month should celebrate women from all backgrounds and highlight all the women that are working jobs, being a daughter, balancing motherhood, and breaking that glass ceiling each and every day, there is one overlooked group of working women that I want to shine light on this week: the stay-at-home mom.
While many may look at mothers who stay at home and take care of their kids as just that – someone who stays at home and does not “work” – stay-at-home moms actually create the foundations of a healthy and functional home, while also doing (what I like to call) “silent” work 24/7.
With young kids that are not in school yet, stay-at-home moms are in charge of creating the best environment for their child’s development possible. This means constant mental stimulation, educational and engaging activities, frequent communication to build vocabulary, and searching for events for their child to partake in for social development. All of this, while also keeping the house tidy, meal-planning and prepping, maintaining a healthy marriage, and dealing with all that comes with being a woman in society, falls on the shoulders of the stay-at-home mom.
For those that may have a few kids in school during the day, stay-at-home moms are tasked with making sure everyone is on top of their schoolwork, is well-fed, gets to their soccer practices and gymnastics meets, is making friends and behaving well in class, while also keeping the “working” parent in the loop and making sure the parenting looks fifty-fifty from the outside…even if it doesn’t feel that way.
At home, stay-at-home moms must keep a functional household, constantly doing everyone’s laundry and dishes, creating routines, teaching life skills, monitoring social lives and social media, and just about everything else in between without any PTO or mental health days.
And you have to have a smile on your face while you’re trying to do it all.
And having to do this all while frequently not having the resources to discuss the stresses of motherhood and trying to hold your house together because you “have it easy” and “don’t have a real job.”
And, while most stay-at-home moms do love to be at home raising their kids, there is also a sense of guilt and disappointment that many mothers have to face: they no longer get to pursue their own professional passions or creative hobbies.
Stay-at-home moms are frequently reduced to one thing: a mother. They lose their individuality and independence. They lose social relationships, events to attend, a professional persona and an excuse to relax or have some fun without the guilt of “abandoning” their kids for a night or “leaving dad to babysit” (which, I would just like to say, if you are a parent of a child and you are looking after them, you are simply doing your job as a parent – you’re not “babysitting”).
And God forbid you make any action that could be perceived as “wrong” or a “mistake” in the eyes of others.
As a stay-at-home mom, you are expected to be perfect at your job. Be present in your kids’ lives, but don’t be a helicopter parent. Let your kids experience the digital world so they can understand pop culture references and fit in, but don’t let them watch too much TV because it’s bad for them and you’re just a lazy mother. Get your kids involved in activities, but don’t let them spread themselves too thin. Your kids need to fail, but not too much, or you are hurting their self-confidence and spirit. Push your kids to work hard, but not too hard, or you’ll get called the “tiger mom.”
Don’t get frustrated with your husband when he is short with you, he’s just had a long day. Make sure dinner is ready when everyone is home from work and school, but don’t brag about how long it took you to make it. Listen to your husband when he is complaining; he needs the support from you. Don’t turn around and complain to your husband, though, because you have no idea how easy you have it.
You don’t have time anymore to see your friends, you need to stay home with the kids. But don’t stop talking to them altogether, or you’re a bad friend. You shouldn’t go out on the weekends because that sets a bad example for your kids. But don’t just hole up at home all the time, or you are lazy and antisocial. Try to form relationships with other mothers around you, but don’t get too close to them because all you’ll do is gossip and complain.
You chose this life.
You wanted to be a mom.
And you don’t work a job.
Be grateful.
Heavy stuff, right?
With all that negative talk about being a stay-at-home mom, I do not want to sound like choosing this job is a death sentence or a threat to your personhood – it does not have to be. As someone who grew up in a house where my family was lucky enough to have my mom stay home before we started school, my mother has said that those years were some of the best of her life, and many can agree.
Getting a front-row seat to your children’s growth and development, being able to work inside and outside, in comfortable clothes, and without the forced judgment or direct supervision of others are nice perks that not many can say they have in their jobs. And at the end of the day, you get to do what you chose to do: prioritize your motherhood journey.
That being said, there is so much that a stay-at-home mom endures that frequently goes overlooked and underappreciated.
This Women’s History Month, let’s celebrate all women.
With that, let’s not forget about the women who dedicate their lives to holding their households together, raising their kids to the best of their ability, maintaining relationships with those around them, and doing it all the best they can, even though it’s their first time living, too.
To all the stay-at-home moms, including my own, thank you.
You are seen.
You are appreciated.
You are loved.