Trying to find a post-grad job is like a full-time job in itself. I have to dedicate a special time slot in my day that is devoted to looking for and applying for jobs. Since the beginning of my last year of graduate school, I have become obsessed with looking for a job, so much so that it has started to consume my life. I started to wonder why I put forth all of my energy into an activity that has given me little to no reward, then I realized that my relationship with finding a job is unhealthy and almost obsessive. This obsession calls for an intervention, and they say that the first step in solving a problem is admitting you have one, so here it is; I am in a toxic relationship with the job market.
According to Calm and Origins Texas Recovery, a toxic relationship is characterized by behaviors that are detrimental to our well-being. They may involve manipulation, resentment, or conflict, which leads to feelings of being unsupported and undermines your happiness. A toxic relationship may include constant criticism and belittlement; lack of respect and boundaries, including unequal give and take; persistent negativity and drama, which may cause feeling drained or depleted after interactions; constant feelings of fear, anxiety, unhappiness, and walking on eggshells; lack of trust and support; and communication breakdown.
Unfortunately, I have experienced all of these in my relationship with the job market. Here’s a breakdown of the signs and examples. Maybe my intervention will lead to a reflection about your own toxic relationship, with the job market or otherwise.
Constant criticism and belittlement
According to Origins Texas Recovery, when you’re in a relationship with a partner who constantly belittles your achievements, it shows a lack of respect and appreciation for who you are. Additionally, overtime, persistent criticism, and judgment can lead to low self-esteem, which may make it challenging to participate in activities that you once enjoyed.
In my relationship with the job market, I have faced a lack of respect and appreciation for my achievements. There has been constant criticism of being told I am good but not good enough. I am just not the right fit. What makes it worse, is that this belittling of my achievements is paired with a vague, general, copy-and-paste compliment saying that they were really impressed with my application, and although it wasn’t good enough for them, maybe I should try being a little bit more like others who have a successful relationship with the job market. Being seen as not good enough or not the right fit has caused me to develop a lower self-esteem. I think that maybe my achievements mean nothing in the grand scheme of things and that maybe, I am not good enough for anything.
Lack of respect and boundaries, including equal give-and-take
Origins Texas Recovery also discusses the importance of mutual respect and boundaries within a relationship. Without boundaries or respect, a partner may feel exploited and they may feel a lack of agency and voice in the relationship. This can lead to unequal give and take in the relationship as well. Again, without boundaries and equal effort, one partner may end up feeling exploited and unappreciated. This can include one partner initiating plans, providing emotional support, or making sacrifices. Long term, this can lead to feelings of burnout.
This was the biggest sign to me that I was in a toxic relationship with the job market. I spent hours constantly perfecting my image. I conformed myself to be the perfect applicant for each job, trying to fit the image of whoever the job description told me I should be. I create an image of the perfect candidate through my resume, writing a well-worded cover letter about why I am enough for this position and what I can bring to the table, and then there’s actually taking the time to fill out the application–you know, where you have to basically rewrite everything that you’ve already put in your resume and cover letter–and sometimes even spending time trying to find references with the best people who can contribute to the narrative that I am worth paying attention to. This is the stage where applying for jobs becomes a full-time job in itself. However, all my time spent looking for a job that matches my qualifications, writing a cover letter, filling out an application, and looking for references, is met with a two-sentence email that says that they have moved on. Oh, and it is even worse when this email comes months after applying, even when the organization is supposedly “urgently hiring” or “will get back to me soon.”
Persistent negativity and drama, which may cause feeling drained or depleted after interactions
A toxic relationship does not support any sort of growth or positivity, thus leading to partners feeling burnt out after interactions.
My relationship has been characterized by a lack of care and concern about how I am developing as a person. It’s all about if I am a right fit for their mold and when I am not the exact right fit based only on my first impression of my application, then I am just shoved aside, sometimes without any response at all. You’re never seen for who you truly are and are told that who you are is not good enough. After spending time with the job market, I am exhausted and need time to decompress. This is especially true during days and weeks when I get many emails telling me that they’re moving on, but they’ll still think about me a little bit in case they need me in the future. It’s this sort of drama that also leaves me with negative feelings.
Constant feelings of fear, anxiety, unhappiness, and walking on eggshells
Fear and anxiety may arise from the unpredictable reactions from partners, this may be paired with constant tension and feeling dissatisfied.
I have experienced all these emotions during my relationship with the job market. I have a lot of fear and anxiety about what will happen if the job market and I never work out–how will I move on with my life without them? But I also feel anxious because I never know how the job market will react when I put a new application out there. Will they like me? Did I say the right things? Sometimes the job market is appreciative of what I do for them, so they finally get back to me and give me some positivity, but because of miscommunications and other issues, they pull away from me again. I am worried about saying the right thing to the job market so that I can get the reaction I want out of them.
Lack of trust and support
Again, a lack of support may lead to partners feeling like they’re inadequate rather than being uplifted by their partners. Without trust, a relationship cannot achieve healthy connections. Lying and deception complicates and weakens relationships.
I do not trust the job market to support me at all. I never come away from being with the job market feeling good about myself. Considering this, our relationship is built on suspicion and deception. Our relationship is definitely feeling the complicated and weak emotions that I have read about.
Communication breakdown
Finally, communication between partners might be motivated through insults or there might just be silence between the partners, leaving space for misunderstandings and leaving issues unresolved.
Finally, the job market and I have had quite a few miscommunications and even some unfinished conversations. The job market and I don’t always quite understand each other’s needs and how to accommodate each other. Sometimes, after sending out another job application hoping that I’ll get some sort of response, the job market just leaves me wondering. Then, when I try to communicate with the job market, they tell me that they have moved on without me.
So, I see that my relationship with the job market is unhealthy and has created stress in my life. Like with all relationships, I need to make a plan for self-care and finding support. Unlike a relationship with a real person, it is impossible for me to completely leave my relationship with the job market because, well, I need a job. However, what I can do is try to manage my relationship with the job market, and once I finally make my way into my post-grad job, I can be a force of change within my own organization to hopefully stop another college student from falling into a toxic relationship with the job market.
I fully recognize that my toxic relationship with the job market does not compare to a real abusive relationship that many people experience. If you recognize the above signs in your own relationships, know that this behavior is not okay and it is absolutely not your fault.
Help is available and everyone deserves a healthy relationship. Speak with someone about your relationship and find help today:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788
Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline: (877)-863-6638
Love is Respect: https://www.loveisrespect.org/
National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE