Congrats! You’ve passed the honeymoon stage!
And yet, you’ve stopped asking each other about your days—there’s nothing new to say. The initial rush of excitement, the endless nights of deep conversation and laughter, have melted into these quiet, shared moments of stillness. It’s not a bad thing, but it feels monotonous. This is where the shine of a relationship begins to dull—when the thrill of discovery fades, and you’re left simply existing with each other.
So now what? Are you supposed to settle for watching TV on the couch and goodbye kisses that feel more like a routine than love?
The short answer is no. The long answer is… sort of.
Once the honeymoon phase wears off, it’s easy to feel anxious. Suddenly, you’re not the center of your partner’s world like you were at the beginning because they’re busy with classes, work, and their own life.
As your priorities change over time, it’s natural for your relationship dynamics to shift as well. However, there are ways to navigate these changes and strengthen your bond even when the relationship feels monotonous. Here are my five tips on how to build a more solid foundation for your relationship:
1. Learn How They Think
I’ve wasted so much energy wondering why my partner didn’t understand why I was upset. I’d think about the situation and wonder why they couldn’t see things from my perspective. Through time (and many petty arguments!) I’ve learned that it’s not about how much they love or care about me, or even about miscommunication – it’s about how we process our experiences differently.
For example, I need a decluttered space to relax, while my partner, who has ADHD, doesn’t mind some mess. When we started dating, they’d spread their schoolwork on my desk, half-eaten snacks on my nightstand, and clothes on the floor, which stresses me out. To them, it was simple: they need all their tasks laid out in front of them to remember to do them. However, to me, it was an unorganized distraction that left me feeling irritable.
After a few small squabbles, we compromised. I allow a bit of mess, and they keep it contained to one area. The biggest thing that I learned was that they aren’t trying to disrespect my space—which is how I felt at first—but that they process things differently than I do.
2. Realize That Conflict Doesn’t Need to Be Destructive
Once you’ve realized you and your partner think differently, you need to work together to solve the problem. The real challenge comes from addressing those differences. Although it’s easier to avoid difficult conversations, over time it leads to frustration and resentment. Until you realize that, avoiding the conversation doesn’t make the discomfort go away.
Seriously, open communication is a game-changer. Even if you feel like you’re stating the obvious, chances are it’s not obvious to the other person.
The word “conflict” makes us think the worst, but the truth is it can be a powerful tool for growth, both individually and as a couple. How we respond to conflict ultimately determines whether it strengthens or weakens our relationship. Being able to speak kindly to each other in stressful times leads to more understanding—and that’s the foundation for a stronger, more resilient relationship.
3. Embrace Routine (& Learn How to Love Without It!)
It’s easy to fall into habit when you’re comfortable with someone. I slowly found myself never doing my hair or makeup to see my partner because I knew they’d like me regardless of the way I looked.
Compliments and flirtatious remarks became fewer and further between, and I found myself wondering if my relationship was just out of convenience, but just because the honeymoon phase is over doesn’t mean the romance has to be.
Small, meaningful gestures go a long way with keeping the spark alive. In the same way that $4 energy drink before class adds up, the little things in your relationship do too.
When you reach a comfortable stage, you have to love each other with intention. Something as simple as complimenting a new outfit or cooking together can change everything. Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling like roommates.
4. Find “Your Thing”
Every couple has something that’s uniquely theirs. It could be a shared hobby, a favorite coffee shop, or even a TV show you binge together. Having a shared “thing” gives you something to bond over and look forward to, especially during stressful times.
For my partner and I, we started playing co-op games on the PlayStation. It has helped us with our communication, problem-solving skills, and patience (especially when one of us has been waiting for the other to stop fiddling with the settings for 20 minutes).
It also helped us understand how the other thinks. My partner enjoys the combat elements of our games, but they overwhelm me. On the other hand, I enjoy puzzle games and problem-solving, but that frustrates them.
Once we learned each other’s strengths and weaknesses, we started to complement each other. Every time we turn on a game, it reminds me why we make such a great team.
5. Stop Spending Every Free Moment Together
It might sound counterintuitive, but spending time apart is important.
Nothing made me overthink more than when my partner and I would spend an entire week together and then suddenly stop. Afterwards, I couldn’t enjoy spending time with friends because I was busy texting them or checking their location.
That doesn’t mean you can’t spend a week together, but you need time to miss each other too!
Balancing personal space with time together allows both partners to recharge and focus on their individual interests and goals. Trust me, you’ll have more to talk about and a deeper appreciation for the time you spend with each other by remembering to exist outside of your relationship.
Relationships change over time, and that’s okay! Instead of chasing the initial high of the honeymoon phase, focus on building a deeper, more sustainable connection that’s both exciting and enduring—even in the chaos of college life.
Do you have any other relationship tips? Let us know @HerCampusSJSU!