Organic Chemistry is Ruining my Life!

Everyone, this is serious. Organic chemistry is ruining my life. 

Have you ever gotten a grade so bad it made you reconsider your entire career choices? I have, in organic chemistry. After my first quiz in September, I was so distraught I wrote down a list of different jobs I could hold after college if I dropped pre-med. I did it once more two days ago.

Please don’t be mistaken, this is not a me issue! Ask whoever and they’ll tell you organic chemistry is the big boogeyman of STEM classes; you’re lucky if you get a C! Shoot for an A+ and you will  get a B- at best. Look around the room during my section and you’ll see the real-time moment a student drops the biochemistry major, another one decides they’re withdrawing from the course, and another opens up 2048 on their laptop, fully giving up. 

Admittedly, I was never a chemistry person—I cried on the first day of general chemistry. Yes, syllabus day. I’ll be honest, even though the content is very interesting (when I understand what’s happening), I would not be in the class if it wasn’t a requirement. The thought that I’ll have to do this AGAIN, TWICE AS HARD next semester AND on the MCAT, brings tears to my eyes. Is it worth it? Is it really worth it? Should I drop everything and become an Amtrak train conductor?

I believe organic chemistry is an entity with limbs and blood that is fully out to get me, staring at me from the corner of my dorm like a sleep paralysis demon. It’s even started appearing in my dreams—often my nights are full of floating molecules and laboratory apparatus. These dreams are often silent and lonely, rich in imagery and terror. I now live constantly on edge, terrified of the next Gradescope notification. And the worst thing about this class?

I didn’t get it on the first try.

There’s a reason why it took me 19 years to learn how to ride a bike and 17 years to learn how to tie my shoes. Didn’t get it? I’m done, goodbye. Turns out you can’t do that with your required college classes. I am perhaps the most perfectionist person I’ve ever met, asking so much of me all the time, along with a nice little dose of crippling anxiety and impostor syndrome I hide fairly well! See, I’m perfect even at pretending I’m perfect! Even writing this is so difficult; admitting that I struggle to myself and the whole campus community is worse than pulling teeth with no anesthetic. So, tell me, how am I supposed to deal with something I rarely or never understand on the first try? How am I supposed to accept that I can’t do this on my own? How am I supposed to accept that I didn’t come out of the womb knowing aromaticity and hybridization?

Organic chemistry has forced me to ask for help. Today, I signed up for an office hours appointment, arranged a group tutoring session with my classmates, and set a reminder on my phone for PLUMs. It took everything in me to ask for help; I opened and closed Pathways three times. In the meeting notes, I simply put, “I just want to get this right” with a sad face emoji. I knew I had reached my intellectual limits, and doing the same thing but expecting a different result is madness. Without help, nothing would change. I just wanted to get it right.

Organic chemistry has made me realize I shouldn’t have waited until the point of crying to my mother on the phone about possibly abandoning my lifelong passion. I should’ve said something the first time I was confused about something. However, how was I supposed to unlearn years of perfectionism in two weeks? How was I supposed to just believe that it doesn’t make me stupid to not fully understand one of the hardest classes ever? Doesn’t the saying go “better late than never?” I guess I was late. I’m not sure if it matters. I hope it doesn’t, as we’re less than two months from the final. 

Organic chemistry made me change my study habits. Perhaps I’ll start consistently going to PLUMs or staying after class. I have felt skin deep how much harder 200 levels are than 100s. 300 levels will certainly be harder. I must learn to be comfortable with asking for help and admitting I struggle. I guess it took me multiple D-grade quizzes to figure that out, but I swear, I will never forget the painful but needed lessons of Fall 2023 CHEM-202-03.

As I was writing this article, I got a dreaded Gradescope notification that my quiz had been graded. I got a question right that I thought I’d never fully understand, on the hardest part of the chapter. Maybe organic chemistry isn’t ruining my life.

Doing it alone is. 

See you in the PollEverywhere next week, folks. Don’t forget to submit your quiz by Sunday night.