The year is 2023 and the semester has just started. This is the second week of class and the gate to hell is brittle.
My campus is caked in the white winter layer of what we call snow. My room is bursting with heat that rattles the old rickety pipes. As an RA, noise is inevitable, but once in a while noise is like a cool breeze drifting through the crack of my door.
I can find beauty in all this, but the new year has other plans for me. Entering the new semester I had mixed feelings; the idea of women’s studies, grammar for style, and American literature two all sounded interesting. Meanwhile, my other classes were a bit iffy to digest. I wanted to stay optimistic and look at the bright side of all things. I mean – I shouldn’t jump to conclusions when I haven’t even seen the syllabus – right? Plus, the books looked … interesting.
And yet, waking up to the morning sun on the first day of classes, felt like waking up 1,000 times every month at the same hour. By the time the weekend came rolling around, I was convinced I had never taken a winter break and it was all a very short and dull dream.
Before the winter break, I was partially excited about the new year and classes (despite the end of ever seeing my closest friends). I had hopes of staying on track and indulging in new subjects. My schedule wasn’t the worse compared to the ones I have had in the past, with one-hour breaks in between each class for catching up on homework. My friends and I looked to take a spring break trip to Canada, and finally being 21 meant going to the bars (although alcohol is something I am still investigating).
However we are back to the “and yet” I have reached this “new” semester and classes, Canada, bars … it all seems so dull and uninviting.
I have noticed a change in my behavior since entering college. The motivation, the drive to do more be more has gradually faded away. It was a dim fire I noticed my sophomore year, but was still able to push myself to keep the fading fire lit. By the end of fall 2022 (junior year), that fire was hard to keep lit. Now – I don’t even know if it’s still there. I can’t feel it.
Have you ever felt the fire inside of you begin to burn out? What have you done to add fuel and bring that flicker of life back?
As of now, I feel my body anxiously resting on a boat floating on a steady wave wondering where it might carry me. Partially paralyzed, partially sparked by fear of wanting to jump off the boat and take control of my body.
I don’t have it in me to be optimistic, but I am still going to “hope” this year improves.