The debate on what constitutes a “good sex song” is probably almost as old as sex itself. We all have our preferences for what we want playing in the background while doing the deed.
But what about songs that should never, ever be on your sex playlist?
Below are some songs that, no matter how badly you want to get laid, will immediately put you out of the mood. Avoid them at all costs.
“Blurred Lines”: Robin Thicke, T.I, Pharrell Williams
Hey, hey, hey…the lines should not be blurred during sex. This 2013 single by Robin Thicke, T.I, and Pharrell Williams is one of the most notoriously offensive songs out there.
Albeit catchy, the lyrics of this song make even the most memorable beats subpar. Thus, playing this song while trying to get laid is a surefire way to get almost anyone out of bed as quickly as possible.
While trying to defend the song, “Happy” singer Williams claimed that he “hadn’t realized” that mainstream culture in the United States was misogynistic, so he didn’t think the song was perpetuating rape culture when writing it. Sure, Pharrell. Sure.
“Ribs”: Lorde
Hot girls listen to “Ribs” at their lowest moments to cry to, so if you want to get said “hot girls” in your pants, avoid “Ribs” or any Lorde song at all costs.
Besides being sure to accidentally cause an existential crisis during sex, “Ribs” actually has a pretty good beat. Maybe it’d work if you’re moaning over the lyrics of the entire song, but I personally would lose any sex drive if I heard this song come on in the heat of the moment.
“The Sound of Silence”: Simon and Garfunkel
“Hello darkness, my old friend” was never meant to be heard during intercourse. Ever. Not to mention, you will not be able to get any rhythm going during this song — I dare you to try.
“I Want My Mullet Back”: Billy Ray Cyrus
I have a massive crush on Billy Ray Cyrus, but even I don’t want this country classic about being middle-aged playing while knockin’ boots.
“Baby Got Back”: Glee Version
To know the Glee Version of “Baby Got Back” is to know all of the sufferings in the world. It’s awful. I literally cannot fathom a universe where I’d be horny enough to continue any sexual interactions whilst the indie-acoustic version of the Sir Mix-A-Lot classic is playing. I would probably think I was on a prank show. Or in Hell. Personally, this is the worst song on the list for me.
For your viewing pleasure (or pain):
“Cbat”: Hudson Mohawke
We can thank Reddit for this one. The song went viral after a Reddit user posted about having sex with his girlfriend to the beat of “Cbat,” and oh my god, his poor girlfriend. Listening to this one makes it pretty self-explanatory as to why it made the list.
“Strip That Down”: Liam Payne
As a former Directioner, it pains me to include this song, but it had to be done. Unlike former bandmate Niall Horan, who has released some of my favorite “sex songs” (looking at you, “Slow Hands” and “Small Talk”), Liam misses the mark with “Strip That Down.”
I think it’s because Liam simply isn’t sexy. Sorry! After recent controversies, this song is especially bad for getting in the mood, especially if you’re with a One Direction fan. It should work, but it just doesn’t, and neither should your sex hormones during this song.
“Rivers and Roads”: The Head And The Heart
Same vibes as “Ribs” by Lorde — this song is for crying with your hometown friends about growing up, not for penetration or anything similar.
It simply will not work. Maybe for tearful goodbye sex…but I personally would just be put off by “Rivers and Roads” on any occasion that requires libido.
“Falling”: Harry Styles
Unfortunately, this one comes from personal experience. “Falling” is way too emotional and way too iconic of a song to get intimate to, which I learned the hard way when my partner and I thought it would be a good idea to put Styles’ album “Fine Line” on shuffle as background music.
“Goodbye Earl”: The Chicks
“Goodbye Earl” is one of my favorite songs of all time, and it would perform awfully on a sex playlist. An upbeat banger about killing an abusive ex-husband is great for karaoke and other energetic scenarios, but something tells me the subject matter isn’t great for what is supposed to be a loving, or at least connected, moment.
“Trap Queen”: Fetty Wap
Anyone who was in their early teens when this song came out in 2015 should understand immediately why you should not be having sex to “Trap Queen” by Fetty Wap. Dare I say it’s too iconic?
“Trap Queen” is more of a nostalgic meme than anything at this point, and hearing it brings me back to a 13-year-old me who only cared about the bottle-flip challenge, Zayn leaving One Direction, and what pair of Nike Elite socks to wear with my slides and athletic shorts that day (yes, I was one of those girls).
“Thotiana”: Blueface
The 2018 song that went viral on early TikTok may be iconic, but it’s also just straight-up bad. Like, it’s not good at all. I’m not able to keep a straight face if “Thotiana” starts playing anywhere, let alone while in bed.
I also have harrowing memories associated with this song: during my drivers test, my phone’s bluetooth connected to the car speakers and started playing “Thotiana”, because it was 2018 and it was what I was listening to on the drive to the DMV. Not sexy.
“The Star-Spangled Banner”: John Stafford Smith
O, say can you see yourself orgasming to our national anthem? Because I can’t.
Happy Sex-Positivity theme week, Her Campus. I’m positive about your sex until it’s to one of these songs.