Yes, it’s hot. Yes, you’re hot. But you are NOT a hot mess. As I slowly cruise down A1A, the beach road in Fort Lauderdale, I see tons of hot messes dotting the sand: one girl is strutting about in her bathing suit and sneakers, another is walking down the street with her shirt half-covering her bathing suit top, you get the picture. Don’t let this happen to you! You are a glamazon of the highest order (you’re an HC reader), and you don’t want any of these summer fashion faux pas to ruin your fab reputation.
Sandals are your friends!
My darlings, you can always spot a tourist in Fort Lauderdale because for some reason they find it incredibly necessary to wear socks and sneakers to the beach. Never for the life of me could I understand why. Socks keep your feet warm, which is not something you want when you’re trying to stay cool in the summer. Not to mention that sand gets all up inside your socks and your sneakers if you walk on the beach in them. And the dreaded sock tan! There’s no reason to have it unless you play tennis or a similar sun-oriented sport. Nothing kills a beach outfit more than these ridiculous white socks peeking out from your ankles.
So grab yourself a sandal! No socks required. There’s so many to choose from—cork wedge, thong sandal, flip-flop—that your feet will thank you for letting them breathe the salty beach air. Not only that, but the sand comes right off with a simple shake of your foot. Just make sure to groom your tootsies before they see the outside world. Nobody wants to see your toenail fungus, as much as they love you.
Cover-up is not just makeup
You’ve worked hard for your beach bod, and that bathing suit looks totally cute on you. But when you’re walking around a hotel or a beach street or something similar, it’s not necessary to be showing off the goods. A bathing suit is for the beach or the pool—it’s not an indoor ensemble or an outdoor ‘walking around’ ensemble. Nobody wants to see you pick your bikini bottom wedgie all throughout the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton, so leave something to the imagination, please!
This is not to say, of course, that your bathing suit has to be completely invisible. A back strap here and there is fine under your cover up, but I don’t want to see that the neckline of your coverup is so large that it hangs around your wrist so one boob flops about in the air.
And it’s so easy to do that by grabbing a chic cover-up. I’m not saying wrap yourself in the nearest turtleneck, of course, but just throw something over your bod for a little bit of mystery. You can get so creative, too! For instance, rompers are totally in right now—hop into one on your way to the pool or the beach for fashion-on-the-fly. You can also try a sweet pareo (essentially a long piece of patterned fabric you can wrap about yourself any way you choose), a sundress or, one of my faves, a man’s dress shirt. Something light and simple that will travel easily and keep you cool.
Who wears short shorts?
Shorts are a summertime staple, and rightly so. They keep legs cool when we might otherwise be dying in a pair of jeans. But there is such a thing as too short, ladies. When your shorts stop right at the bottom of your cheek and bending over makes you into an amateur porn star, we have a problem.
You should be able to bend over, sit cross-legged, and put your hands in your pockets when you’re wearing a pair of shorts. A good rule of thumb is to make sure your shorts are at the very least fingertip length. I know that totally sounds like your high school principal, but it makes a big difference between lady and lady bits. If you have any doubts, ask a trusted parent or a friend if your skin-to-shorts ratio is too much.
Similarly, there are some shorts that are not meant for day-to-day usage. You know which ones I’m talking about: Soffees (among others). Soffees are athletic shorts. Meant for sports. They are not—I repeat, NOT—meant to be worn as a regular part of your wardrobe, just as basketball shorts aren’t. One reason is that they end up being too short (I once knew a girl at camp who rolled them up so high her thong stuck out the bottom. Ew.) and another is that they’re just sloppy. They’re fabric with an elastic waistband—not the epitome of style, to say the least. Soffees show lack of imagination and they’re boring. Why would you wear something sloppy when you can just as easily grab a pair of cute madras shorts, grungy and cool frayed jean shorts, or light twill ones? Shorts like these have a lot more personality and can be more easily dressed up or down than Soffees ever could, so they’re actually a better investment.
How You Doin’, Bra?
I know we all want to keep the girls looking their best, and often a bra is the best way to do that. But there are times when you don’t need to show the whole world your bra if you want to do that. I see chicks all the time wearing racerback tanks who think for whatever reason that a regular bra is the right bra to wear with it, but it’s not! As a general rule, I should never be able to see your bra. If you’re wearing a racerback tank, you need a bra that crosses in the back. Yes, they cost money, but if you wear racerback tanks on a regular basis, then they’re an investment. And don’t forget: strapless bras also go with racerback tops! Because they don’t have any straps! Likewise, if you wear a spaghetti strap tank, i.e., one where the tank straps are thinner than your bra straps, I still shouldn’t see your bra straps. Just snag a strapless bra (not a clear-strap bra because you can still see the straps) because thick ol’ bra straps are just trashy and inelegant with a tank top. To finish, and I will say this only once, GOING BRALESS IS NOT AN OPTION. I don’t care how perky the girls are—they need to be caged, if not for the sole reason that everyone gets cold, even in the summer.
So with these few tricks of the trade you can remove yourself from the fashion faux pas riff-raff. Remember, heat is never an excuse to be trashy. Please cover it up, tuck it in and so on because above all, you are a lady. And the most fabulous ladies keep their cool no matter what the temperature is.