If you asked me when I was 10-years old I would have said I’d never worry about body image — only superficial people do. Fast forward to me at 16-years old and I’d have every worry about body image imaginable. I had not one, but two eating disorders.
I’ve never been overweight, but I’ve never had the perfect body. Growing up I was always comfortable with myself, but in the eleventh grade my body became all I could think about.
For three months I kept track of every single food and beverage I consumed. Every cup of tea, every glass of water, every almond, every piece of gum, etc. was accounted for. I kept track in notebooks, on apps and worst of all in mind 24/7. I weighed myself everyday and calculated my BMI every week. I was so proud when I finally reached under the “normal” range of 18.5.
I consumed anywhere from 370-750 calories a day — someone with my petite body frame and height of 5’2 should have at least 1450 calories. Technically speaking I had malnutrition (when a person consumes less than 1000 calories daily).
For months I had no idea I had an eating disorder. Looking back I realize it started one day when, out of curiosity, I decided to keep track of what I ate. I ate a lot less than I thought, I think around 1300 calories, and I realized I could probably eat a little less and loose a few pounds and feel healthier.
Losing weight was actually a lot easier than I thought, it was easy for me to eat only 400 calories a day because of my type-A personality and because what I ate — or didn’t eat — became the number one thing on my mind. I loved having 100% control over something in my life, something I’ve struggled with since I was a child.
Eventually, I realized I hadn’t received my period in a few months and of course I became concerned. Losing the thing that makes me a woman and will one day allow me to have children made me realize I had to start eating more. But it wasn’t easy.
My stomach had shrunk so much it was physically difficult for me to eat more and when I did eat more, I binge ate. Over the course of six months I faced two eating disorders: anorexia nervosa and binge eating disorder (BED).
The media talks about anorexia all the time, but rarely do we hear about BED. BED was just as hard for me to overcome. Long story short because I had deprived my body for so long, anytime I ate a sweet I would non-stop eat everything in sight. I would eat every single thing I could find in my pantry and fridge, even things I usually hate. I would eat until I couldn’t move and would feel extremely guilty. Afterwards I would try to make myself vomit; thankfully, I could never get myself to successfully vomit.
Over the next two years I went to doctor appointments, therapy appointments, and got a naturopath. I truly felt helpless. I cried, a lot. No matter how hard I tried not to count calories or to eat like a regular person, I couldn’t. My mind was consumed.
I don’t know exactly when it was. I don’t know exactly what it was that did it. But, finally one day I realized it had been weeks since I last felt guilty about eating food and thought about what I consumed.
I am happy to say that today I have my mind back and am able to focus on more important things in life. Of course now and then I still want to get more fit and eat healthier, but never again will it be all I think about or the thing I am most proud of in my life.
To anyone else who is struggling with an eating disorder, trust me it will get better one day.