As I’ve grown older, my circle of friends has grown smaller, and I am completely fine with that reality. When I was younger, I surrounded myself with as many people as possible in order to fit in, be cool or just because I felt like I had to. That mindset can be toxic, however. Many of the people I called friends I barely knew. Many of the people I called friends only used me when they needed me. Very often I would find myself comforting others and helping people who never reciprocated that kind of friendship. I was taken advantage of and made to feel small when I realized I cared more about those around me than they cared for me. Now that I have matured, I’ve found people who take care of me as well and who see me as more than a stepping stone. However, I still find myself “weeding out” the people I once would have considered friends.
There are many types of toxic friendships with red flags ranging from people borrowing money constantly to isolation. However, I most often have to rid myself of only one type of toxic friend: the people who only support me in words and not in actions. Red flags for these kinds of relationships include friends who only contact you when they need you and friends who are obviously using you as a social ladder.
Friendship is about making an effort and emotionally supporting the people you care about. Friendship is about being there for the person you care about. If your friends don’t show up for you, they do not value you. Of course, not everyone can be at every event, but if you worked hard at a presentation or event, or even if you just need emotional and physical support and that person makes a petty excuse and doesn’t care enough to show up when you asked them to and needed them to, get rid of them.
It may seem harsh to cut someone out of your life for not being somewhere you needed them, but if they cannot be bothered to take the time to show up at the little moments, they will not be there for the big ones. If the person you consider your friend does not make any effort to see you or be with you and support you, you are under no obligation to do the same for them. If they prove over and over that they will never prioritize you, they do not need to be such a big part of your life.
Cultivate relationships that are equally yoked. Practice self-care so you can care for those who care for you. Find someone who will not only answer your phone call, but who will call first. Find people who will show up with banners and air horns to support you. Find relationships that make you a better, and happier you. Find your support system.