I get it. I understand why you dread going to a party. I’m in a sorority and I get it. Getting ready involves a ridiculous amount of time with make up, shoes, a bra, all things that are getting severely in the way of cuddling on a couch watching Gossip Girl. Did I mention I’d have to put on shoes…? Yes? I really hate that.
But once you’re ready to go—and probably wanting to take a nap after all of that effort—this is what happens:
1. Oh my god, the music is really loud, how am I supposed to tell someone I’m ready to go…? Do I just like wave goodbye? She thinks I’m waving hello. This is a disaster.
2. Heels. For the love of all that is good and pure in this world why did I choose these shoes? It’s not like I’m that much hotter in them then I would be if I was barefoot. Some boys like barefoot girls. They’re into that whole hippie-vibe. I could be a hippie.
3. All my friends want a picture! Good thing I wore the heels. Smile! Smile! Okay, we don’t need 19,000 pictures of us standing in this god-awful lit room where my heels are stuck on the floor. Why are my shoes stuck on this floor?
4. There’s that girl, what’s her name? Maybe she doesn’t remember me, that be great. “Oh hi! I’m so glad you’re here too! How are you??” Ugh, still don’t remember her name, maybe she doesn’t have one.
5. This dress makes me look amazing, I bet all these people here think I work out. Ha. I work out my fingers by typing in the phone number for Chinese takeout.
6. IF I STAY FOR TWO HOURS, I’M MAKING MY FRIENDS BUY ME CHINESE FOOD.
7. He just handed me a red cup, I don’t really know what it is but I might as well drink it, I mean what is the worst that could happen. I guess I could die. That would be rough, I haven’t even finished the whole series of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. How long has he been talking? FACE. LOOK INTERESTED.
8. Oh now another guy is talking to me, this one is cute, I’m cute. Is he trying to be funny? I’m too tired to even pretend to laugh, just don’t, just smile kindly.
9. There are my friends. They owe me food. You don’t want to leave because you met someone? Are you joking? Now I’ll be the bad friend if I don’t let her stay, I hate that I’m so wonderful.
10. I am wonderful, I’m great. I’m really pretty too, I mean I didn’t shave my legs in, oh my god, I wonder when the last time I shaved my legs was. Lets see, today is the 9th that means…the 9th of last month…? No it was last week. No it wasn’t.
11. I’ve been here for a while, I guess I’ll dance. Wait, I don’t really know how to dance. Do I just wave my hands around above my head? I knew I should’ve watched more Beyonce music videos. If I just stand there is that obvious or could it be trend setting?
12. Alright, dancing is out. Drinking has been done. Friends are somewhere. I’m done, I went out for the weekend, I’m a college kid. Future me will love these memories. I’m sure of it.
13. I mean, I’d walk home but it’s cold. And I’m tired. And I don’t actually want to walk home. It’s probably not safe. I wonder if the No-Name girl thinks were homies enough to go grab some Chinese and then take me to my place. Then she can leave. Ugh, would she want to hang out? I don’t remember her name. We can’t hang out. To hang out with someone you probably have to know their name. I hate that. I hate names.
14. “You ready to go?” YES I AM READY TO GO! “If you want to go, I’m down, whatever, doesn’t matter.” TAKE ME HOME! YAY! HOME! FOOD! BLANKETS! HOME!
15. Alright, see you all next week for the exact same event but next time I’m going to be super happy to be there. I said that last week too.