As they peek at you from above a shirt advertising some company that has nothing to do with them, ask for your dollars via anything wrapped in a pink Breast Cancer Awareness Ribbon (haha, you thought I’d say strip club), or you find your eyes unintentionally glued to your teacher’s overwhelming cleavage (Girls’ thoughts: She seriously wore that to work!?! Guys’ thoughts: Dude! She SERIOUSLY wore that to work!?), the world seems to have a fixation with breasts. Even as I surf the web, I come across many a boob article (or even just many a boob). Whether it’s a published article or a whiney blog, anecdotal tales of possessing various types of boobs persist. Whether the authors “lump” themselves up into the small or large boobie group, they’ve all had something in common: dissatisfaction with their chests and a desire for the opposite type.
You know what they say: The boobs are always better on the other size. Alright, that’s not exactly how
that saying goes, but the point is, instead of lamenting our natural breasts, we should embrace them (and yes, I mean actually wrap your arms around yourself and hug them as well as mentally accept them as beautiful). Not only do we criticize the tatas we were born with, but we also show contempt for their acknowledgement, even while society as a whole promotes them. Whether they are dominating a poster in your boyfriend’s tacky room, getting free drinks, or your guy friends are giving the girl across the bar’s chesticles some really odd nicknames, the hierarchy of breasts in the male brain is undeniable. As we contemplate what pleasure could possibly be derived from “motor boating” and scoff at the breast’s placement on a pedestal in society (Please picture boobies on a pedestal. It’s pretty funny.), women are wasting valuable time that could be spent loving their lovely lady lumps. Since we will never be able to beat them, let us join them in healthy reverence of the most beloved body parts in the history of mankind. After all, women also pay a lot of attention to bosoms.
Her Campus at UCF and I would like to share the ABCs…and Ds…and Es…and Fs…of loving tatas all in one scoop, but we all know that it takes more than one “boob scoop” in a day to keep our girls “alert.” For now, we show awe (not awww!) for the little boobies – not only because, as a 36A, I understand them first hand, but also because tiny boobies are so hot right now. I would be lying if I said I never contemplated putting my fruits under the knife, but with less endowed women flaunting their shirtless bodies on the silver screen to small-breasted women like Mila Kunis gracing the covers of men’s magazines, I have realized that it’s time to understand the perks of my perky boobs. Who would I be to deny my revelations to either the small-chested girl who wants to find peace with her upper-bod, or the large-chested girl who is curious about the other side? Here are 8 reasons why AAA membership can get you more than just your car towed, AAs are more than a commonly used battery, an “A” is always a good grade, and the word beauty starts with “B”:
1. Fashion Friendly – Sure, there was that one dress you could not fill out up top, but girls with small boobs have a luxurious amount of choice when it comes to clothing. They can wear shirts that fit their body frame instead of getting the next size up to accommodate their Pectoralis major. They can button up their dress shirts all the way without feeling like an 18th-century Victorian duchess on the verge of fainting from her corset. My favorite part? I can wear a plunging neckline not only to go out, but even to a college lecture without looking “trashy.” No camisole required.
2. Less Endowed=Less Encumbered – The stories you hear about necessary breast reduction and back pain associated with large breasts are not myths, and instances may be more common than you think. Also, if you thought getting your little boobs accidentally punched while your friend shared an elaborate story was rough, imagine that happening all the time. I just imagined that as a problem for people with big boobs due to the fact that my padded bra gets hit all the time, but I really could not imagine, for example, executing athletic feats with fun bags flopping around everywhere. There’s a reason gymnastics stunted my breast growth (at least, that’s the excuse I give). I give my kudos to the athletes carrying around the extra weight.
3. Defying Gravity – Not only is this the title to an empowering Broadway show tune, but it is also one of the best aesthetic “perks” of having mosquito bites. Smaller boobs are more likely to sit up higher on a woman’s torso, and they are less likely to sit much lower as she ages.
4. Free-boobin’ – As men delight in free–well, you know–girls find relief in free-boobin’, which is the term I give to not wearing a bra. You know that moment when, after you have been at school all day with your bra straps creating lasting crevices in your skin and the tag itching your spine, you finally get to unclasp those hooks, get those straps out of your sleeves and around your arms, pull your bra out of your shirt like a magician and sling it across the room like a giant rubberband? Maybe that’s just me, but no matter how you take it off, there is no question that wearing a bra can be uncomfortable.
As an A-cup, I take the liberty of running errands braless, especially if I am wearing a hoodie or a T-shirt that is not formfitting. And you know what? Neither the bank teller, the cashier at the grocery store, nor my cute next-door neighbor noticed (I think). I am not telling you to burn your bras and protest outside Victoria’s Secret using a song accompanied by ukelele. I mean, only fashion models and celebrities can get away with their nipples being visible in a white shirt without their friends telling them that their “headlights are on.” Today, bras are essential to many outfits and occasions.
5. Breasticle Illusions – Removing my bra without taking off my shirt is not the only boob-related magic trick that I have “up my sleeve.” In fact, I have the ability to make my As look like Cs with the flick of my wand (and by wand, I mean make-up brush) and a little bit of pixie dust (and by pixie dust, I mean bronzer). Depending on the outfit or the nature of my work as an actress/model and a server at a certain restaurant that shall remain nameless, I sometimes like to give my hooters (take that as you will) a little boost. Now, before the men start crying about deception, let me just say that I am very honest about my boob size, regularly referring to my “big boob days” as experiments in optical illusion. As long as you’re honest with yourself and prepared to be honest with whatever lucky person deserves seeing your nodules nude, there is no harm done. Even though many women who have epiphanies about their small boobs criticize themselves about the inconsistency of altering your boobs’ appearance and promote being natural at all times, I say nay!
If you can curl your hair one day and straighten it the next, why can’t you wear a push-up bra? Hey, even girls with large breasts like to perk them up. Besides, it’s more for your confidence and your outfit, and any guy who hasn’t realized by now that boobs don’t always look the same when you take everything off either has yet to experience his sexual awakening and/or needs to take the parental controls off of the Internet or rent a movie with a rating over PG-13. Anyway, Do: use bronzer in your cleavage, wear the right size bra with padding, and wear a smaller sized shirt (as long as it does not give you any other cleavage). Do not: Stuff with toilet paper (“Uh…I have a cold…I was just um, saving that for later.”) or squeeze your boobs together so much that they look like a butt (“Can you stop walking on your hands for a minute? I am trying to talk to you. Oh…”).
6. Face Focus – As large-breasted girls wonder why this guy just can’t look them in the eye, girls with small boobs may find that guys actually look at their faces when they talk to them or absorb other features, such as their nice legs or freshly manicured nails (well, I’ve had straight guys notice this – at least, I thought they were straight). Not only that, but many girls with large boobs are known for them and described with them as the highlight: “Yeah, that Jenny girl, you know, the one with the big tits.” Guys, and even girls, will still probably look at your chest, but it is nice to know that other features will be taken into account.
7. Various Types of Beauty – When asked what size boobs he preferred, a previous Campus Cutie stated: “It depends on the girl. Certain sizes look better on certain bodies. Proportionality can be more important than a particular size.” Every person’s body is unique, and perhaps your small boobies are just right for you. Believe it or not, I have tried on very heavily padded bras and hated it. They made me look awkward and heavier than usual.
Even breasts alone have hundreds of variations. With thousands of shapes, nipple colors and textures, and skin tones, no matter what category of fruit you or your admirers have placed your breasts in, it’s really just like comparing apples to oranges.
8. Guys Love Boobs – It’s as simple as that. Just as some of you may prefer big muscles or short guys, there are definitely guys who prefer large breasts; however, we must hone the power of boobs in general. A female’s chest is a symbol of fertility, and guys are naturally drawn to boobs of disparate shapes and sizes. Regardless, guys with the opportunity will want to play with them at regular intervals anyway – ahem, not that I have had any guys touching my little boobies. Okay, I totally have! And you know what? They had a blast with them anyway (Sorry, Mom.). If this has not been your experience, then hey – maybe he really is “just more of a butt guy, ya know?”
So next time a hot guy is taking off my shirt (hypothetically, Mom!), I will lift my arms with confidence. In my head, I will sing that Sarai song about ladies of all breast sizes raising their hands up to shake their stuff as I allow him to unbuckle my bra without shoving his hands away and asking to turn the lights off. When he asks why I am shimmying, I won’t tell him about the song in my head. I hope you can do the same. Now grasshoppers, go forth with your black belt in boob appreciation and wear your “Itty Bitty Titty Committee” badges with pride.