Are You There God? It’s Me, Molly.
Thank you for working your wonderful magic and resurrecting some really tough musical breakups – Destiny’s Child is reborn and Fall Out Boy is back. Both my inner gospel singer and rocker chick sides are rejoicing in perfect harmony. Also, thanks for all holidays except Valentine’s Day. That being said…
Why does such a torturous event as Valentine’s Day exist? I’m not saying this because I’m a bitter, lonely girl with commitment issues or anything like that*. I’m saying this because I think it’s downright silly.
*However, I happen to be a bitter, lonely girl with commitment issues.
Surprisingly, the only NOT silly part about Valentine’s Day is the glorious elementary school days when you would toil away for hours decorating the most obnoxiously sparkly shoebox for your classmates to slip perfectly impersonal cards and candies in. Valentine’s Day awesomeness peaked when the current love of your life chased you on the playground. That’s it. So why must we continue to celebrate it?
It’s not like Valentine’s Day has always sucked for me. Cupid’s actually given me a few ballin’ February 14ths.
In the 4th grade, I sauntered into class to see three different teddy bears on my desk each adorned with the classic “Will you go out with me? Check yes or no” notes. I was a young ingenue Bachelorette and this was my final rose ceremony. My best friend was my own personal Chris Harrison, sitting me down and thoroughly explaining that I unfortunately had to turn down two sweet young men that day, but that it’s a small price to pay for true love. I, of course, picked the kid who had splurged on the plush signature Hallmark teddy bear. We had a beautiful two-week relationship that ended because of irreconcilable differences, or boredom, probably. Years later, I find out he dropped out of high school and went to rehab. So there’s that.
Another notable Valentine’s Day was in the 8th grade when my beautiful flippy-haired boyfriend brought me roses in my first period class, which was awesome because then I got to walk around all day firmly grasping the roses and my pride. I was beyond elated to show off those bright red beauties all day to make the single girls feel jealous and pathetic! Oh, how the tables have turned.
So why is it that I hate Valentine’s Day so much?
Is it because I was pretty much born to be the perfect girlfriend but still remain single? – C’mon, I love sporting events and junk food and think most Nicholas Sparks movies suck! Whatever. Is it because I’m too picky and indecisive to settle on a guy for more than 15 minutes, so the thought of long-term relationships freak me out? Is it because it always sparks that awkward “So…what are we? Where is this relationship going?” conversation? Is it because I think if you really care about your significant other you should show them all the time and not just on a freakin’ sensationalized day in February?
Yes. But not really.
It’s mostly just because I hate the color pink and the fact that Ryan Gosling probably won’t be feeding me chocolate covered strawberries at our own private tropical paradise. Also, because no kiss will ever be as perfect as Nick and Jess’ monumental makeout on New Girl. Hey, maybe I just happen to want to go to the store with my gal pals and get some Ben & Jerry’s and cry while watching “My Best Friend’s Wedding” four times in a row! Noooo, can’t do that because then I’m just a walking cliche! Oh and don’t even get me started on how Conversation Hearts, the official candy of Valentine’s Day, taste like chalk and disdain.
Alright, alright. Maybe I’m just not bowing down to St.Valentine because I tweeted the PERFECT V-Day date for someone to take me on and yet Nick Jonas still hasn’t purchased Lightning tickets for me that night! The audacity!
Let’s celebrate the real February holiday. Feb. 15: when the chocolate is 50 percent off and the smug Facebook posts are at a minimum. Til then, grant me the patience to not shoot someone with an arrow. ‘Cause we both know I’d go about it like Katniss and not Cupid. Love is patient, love is kind, right?
But hey God, just because I just spent the last 700 words complaining about Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be opposed to you sending me a funny and charming studmuffin to spend it with…Or at least him sending me some assorted flowers and desserts. I’m open minded. Just keep that in mind.