Nothing about being in college feels quite right anymore. University of California, Davis (UCD) is my third college; I transferred here from Santa Monica College (SMC), which I attended after leaving the University of Vermont (UVM).
I went to UVM straight out of high school, and I fell in love. It was a young love where you fall so quickly, and you can’t imagine your life without it. As a fresh-eyed California girl, I stepped onto campus in the fall. The smell of the crisp Vermont air was the best scent in the world, and I was mesmerized by the rich autumn leaves that swirled about the traditional red-brick buildings. In winter, I saw snow fall for the first time, and as it covered the red brick with a white blanket, I thought to myself that I would never see anything more beautiful. I can still see it all untainted; everything was perfect for a while. I made unbelievably wonderful friends, established myself at the school newspaper, and went to just about every basement rager in the area (they have huge parties in bunker-style basements on the East Coast — crazy, I know).
I did everything under the Vermont sun except pay attention to my studies. I was not focused on my classes because I had no direction — I had no clue what I wanted to major in, much less what I wanted to do once I graduated from this magical place. So, after the best year of my life, I was put on academic probation. I had to go home to fix my grades before I could return. I was so angry; angry at myself for letting this happen and angry at the school for not recognizing personal accomplishments beyond my grades. I was essentially being rejected by the institution. I no longer felt like the school wanted me there anymore.
When I returned to UVM after mending my grades at SMC, the leaves didn’t swirl anymore, and the snow just looked cold and wet. In the year I’d been gone, everything and everyone had moved on, except me. My friends had either graduated or had become different people (as college often has a way of doing to some), and the student newspaper I used to call home was now full of writers I didn’t know (so when I walked in they looked at me as if to ask what I was doing there). I left after Fall semester and went home — this was not my special place anymore. If you’ve only ever known a positive relationship with one college you may not understand the deep sense of emotional turmoil from making your first huge life decision and having to watch it burn up. It’s safe to say I had my quarter-life crisis earlier than most.
I spent the next several years in an on-and-off relationship with SMC. A lot of the time I traveled, lived in amazing places, and had great relationships with other institutions (and even people), and when I was home, I would take classes and do well. I was continuing my education because I felt an obligation to do so — I was lucky enough to have higher education as an option; it would be a waste not to take advantage of it. I was just going through the motions when I was accepted by UCD.
Now I’m here and I’m not giving UCD the chance it deserves. I’m so scared to mess up again that I’m not trying to immerse myself completely. My excuse is that I’m disillusioned, but the truth is I don’t want to fall in love to be hurt again. I can’t help but wish I could shake off this feeling since Davis has been nothing but kind and supportive. Although this has all been very specific to me, I believe that when you’re going through something difficult, you’re never alone. According to UCD, 35 percent of first-years are transfer students, which means that thousands of UCD students could feel just as scared as me. That alone is incredibly comforting and gives me hope.
None of the images belong to the author or Her Campus UC Davis.