I don’t usually like to start my articles with a disclaimer but I’m feeling generous and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I found 25 dollars today, so I guess this is me giving back to the universe. Don’t take my article too seriously, if you know me, you should know that I like to… emphasize. No, I’m not lying, but I do like to focus on the dramatic. Not all boys in college are trying to unwrap your tinkle taco (I seriously hope someone gets that reference) and I don’t have some angry crusade against the opposite sex. I tell stories to entertain and damn it I aim to please!! I’m currently a junior and have cast quite a wide net at my school. That sounds slutty doesn’t it?? Let me rephrase. I’ve courted a few boys in my time, but I’ve mostly just paid attention while friends around me told me their horror stories of the guys they have meet on our lovely campus. Not all were bad, but where’s the fun in telling the happy endings?
Many of these “personas” are based on actual boys I have met, and while I don’t know how they would feel about me writing about them, this is my revenge because I am well aware that no matter the number of times I ask, they don’t read my articles anyway! So without further ado, here are the 8 guys you will meet your freshmen year in college. Happy hunting!!
1. Hipster (With a Soft Side)
He is most likely not a science or engineering major. You can find him on the side of campus that caters to the social sciences, humanities and arts. If you want to get really stereotypical, you can bet he’s either a Media and Cultural Studies Major and/or Philosophy major. Hey, whatever makes him happy. His favorite movie is probably foreign with “cinematography to die for” and he won’t think twice before reminding you that you’ve never heard of the band he’s listening to on his iPhone. He’ll dress like he doesn’t put much effort into his look but don’t fall for that, he does!! Hair doesn’t ruffle itself ladies!! Behind all the sarcastic comments about your Spotify playlist is a total softie. Yes, maybe he loathes The Notebook but you know what, for the right girl he’ll curl up and watch it. (While secretly enjoying every minute of it!) Don’t rule out all hipsters, yes some are annoying and too full of themselves, but there are those diamond in the roughs that can look past your love for all things mainstream and maybe even introduce you to some really kick ass music.
2. Swag Asian with a Heart of Gold
Okay, honesty time. I don’t have many male Asian friends, but I’ve got a few!! But, from the time I’ve spent with the few I do know, these guys are total sweethearts. They are hard to spend time with because most are part of some dance group that practice at crazy times of the night. With dance practice, school, and trying to have a social life, these guys have mastered the art of balancing a schedule, and maybe not needing sleep at all. While dance troupes aren’t fraternities, they promote the whole brotherhood mentality without pushing for conformity. Plus, who doesn’t like a guy that dances and has a good body?!
3. Be the Stanford to My Carrie
My title is a bit misleading but give me a second to explain! He doesn’t have to be attracted to boys, he doesn’t even need to be metro sexual. Does anyone even still use that term? I feel like it’s very 2005. Back to the point! You will at one point in time meet a boy who you just wish was your best friend. His personality will be the perfect complement to yours. He’s funny, good looking (but not too good looking), smart (without being obnoxious about it), school spirited, and the incarnation of everything you’ve ever wanted in a boy best friend. I’ve met my “I wish you were my gay best friend” this past year. Actually I didn’t even meet him, I’ve never really spoken to him or been within a 15 foot radius of him. But I know if we ever met I would just have to win him over. Am I being crazy stalkerish?? Who am I kidding? I’m not even available. I already have a boy best friend. Maybe I could just see this guy on the side. Anyways, this guy is most likely to be found at a school event, club meeting, etc. Nowhere typical, so don’t expect to just find him in your psychology lecture. You have to really hunt him down, ladies. Once you do, don’t be a chicken (like me). Go say hello, win him over, and have your happily ever after.
4. Business Major with No Clue
In my experience, business majors are just as undecided about their life as undeclared majors. Many chose it because pursuing business is tied to the idea of making a lot of money. The vast majority of the ones I have met don’t love their major, or even care for it. They’re not sure why they chose to declare that major, but just plan to work for some random company (if there’s not one already being run by their family). Money is awesome and everything, and maybe I’m just one of those lucky people who love my major and all the possibilities it offers, but I just wouldn’t enjoy dating someone who is looking forward to a career just for the money. Also, not to be prejudiced because I have dated a business major but….they’re just…not mature. At least not until junior year. Steer clear of business majors and let them figure themselves out before they have to figure out a relationship.
[pagebreak]
5. Mr. Microsoft
This guy is a lifesaver. He will save you so much money on computer repair bills and is most likely the kind of person that will remove all those viruses for the price of no more than a cup of coffee. You’ll most likely meet him either in your dorm hall or in a computer science course. Be nice to him! Offer to be his partner, carry his laundry, whatever!! When it’s 3AM and your computer freezes, Geek Squad won’t be there for you. Play your cards right, and he will. He’s a nice guy, and definitely boyfriend material. Don’t mess with his feelings. You don’t want to lose a good friend or a savior when your laptop shuts down during finals.
6. Thug With a Soft Side
He looks like the kind of guy you wouldn’t want to run into in in a dark alley. He hash tags “swag” much too often and has a complicated handshake with his bros. He beat boxes in the dining hall and blasts his rap to the point where your walls vibrate. His menacing looks cause most people to steer clear from him. During my first year in the dorms, I met Andre. He was three times my size, towered over me, loved to blast his music, and ridiculed my love for Taylor Swift. What’s interesting about Andre is that he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve met at UC Riverside. He fixed my computer early one Saturday morning, let me pick the channel on the community television, and drove me to my boyfriend’s apartment in San Diego multiple times. Give the guy who raps in the hall and says “yo” one time too many a chance. He might just end up being that friend who hugs you whenever you see them on campus, and someone you can rely on.
7. The John Tucker
He knows he’s hot. He knows you want him, along with every other girl sitting on the bleachers. He doesn’t have workouts on Tuesday but he wears his gear anyways, just to remind you he’s an athlete (and therefore you should automatically want him). Most often found at sporting events (duh) and college parties. Unless you have hair like Rapunzel or an ass like a Kardashian, they are going to expect you to come up to them. Do you know how in high school dramas the quarterback is always a total ass and can get (and does get) any girl he wants. Yet, in real life high schools that’s not actually true? Transfer everything you learned about the jerk jock and apply it to college athletes. They’re busy with school, sports, and traveling. They don’t want a girlfriend. Don’t expect them to be your boyfriend. Do expect a drink with a tad too much alcohol in it though. Steer clear, unless you’re into that whole not wanting a good morning text kind of relationship.
8. Ken
I’m not against fraternities and sororities. From what I’ve heard (apart from being hazed by beaten with tube socks and standing in the snow half-naked), they sound fun! I’m all for people who have the social skills to consider 30 or more people family. What I’m not so into is the whole “we’re a pack”, “we have all the same values”, and the “bros before hoes” mentality. “What do you mean you won’t date me because I kissed your ‘brother’ that one time 6 months ago?!” I think it’s great that some people are able to find a family away from home while in college, but I don’t like to feel left out either. The whole “I can’t tell you because it’s between my brothers and I” thing bugs me. So I’m a little nosey. Sue me! If you’re up for going to a slew of frat events, formals, and fundraisers, then this is the guy for you. If you’re more into the free thinker type and like guys that do their own thing, then steer clear. These boys come with a posse.