In a few short weeks, many UCD grads will be crossing the stage at commencements, ready to graduate from the realm of Thursday night binge drinking and bar crawls to the actual, legitimate world our elders are so well acquainted with.
Graduation may grant our upper classwomen diplomas, but let it be known that upon commencement, a little bit is stolen away from the undergrad collegiettes™: the enticing older men in the class of 2011.
As an undergrad with a few years to go at this campus, I am royally annoyed at the academic calendar. I have –at least I think I have- just reached my peak: I’ve found the balance between getting attached and being sloppy. The perfect medium where minimal commitment is just enough and no boy has access to my heart strings. And then graduation has to come and whisk a quarter of Davis’ most eligible bachelors far far away to the world of nine-to-five jobs. Not chill, cowtown.
I’ve never had the desire to be a cougar. My libido doesn’t get excited by the idea of boys who own multiple legal documents stating their age inferiority against mine. However, those older boys? They’re my kryptonite. Plus it doesn’t take much to win the debate of why it’s better to wake up in a legitimate house rather than a dorm room.
Of all my college hookups, I can rack up the most tallies with boys (men?) older than myself. I’m sure you’re dying to know the oldest I’ve gone but collegiettes™, remember: age is only a number and it’s a proven fact that the male species matures at a slower rate than their female counterparts. Therefore, let me assure you none of them were more mature than yours truly.
Don’t believe me when I say older is better? Read these explicit memoirs authored by some sassy UCD collegiettes™. These stories will have you flipping through your Little Black Book, dialing some senior’s number in order to grant him a graduation present before he heads out of town.
“Freshman year, I was 20-years-old. Well, I actually entered college as a 17-year-old, but that’s not the number I shared with the attractive college boys at parties. My first consistent hookup began with a transfer student: he was 21, I had just turned 18. It was FABULOUS. He had experienced college hook ups, college foreplay, and college sex. And believe me, each of those varies drastically compared with the high school version. Before I began hooking up with him, I didn’t even know I was attracted to older guys; but after him, I couldn’t stand wasting my time within my own age group because they just weren’t as good.” ~Jennifer*
“One year, I managed to maintain a streak of older boys: college grads already committed to Fortune 500 companies, dedicated UCD seniors whose pillow talk involved career options and real life goals (what a change from the usual college-boy banter), and out-of-town visitors who touted their ‘alumni’ status from prestigious academia. One experienced Davis grad transitioned from any average one-night-stand to my personal boarder. After countless nights of calling to ask if I could conveniently spend the night in lieu of walking home from downtown, he offered me a key. It made coming ‘home’ to his room from parties that much more convenient for both of us.” ~ Court*
“One of my conquests-a football brute no bouncer would want to mess with- granted me access to G street while I was still underage, telling the security guard I had left my I.D. at home and threatening they had ‘better let my girl in.’ Of course, drinks were on him the rest of the night as well and trust me, I can ring up quite the bar tab.” ~Liza*
Like Jennifer said, older boys are FAB-U-LOUS.
Before you and I both go into complete withdrawals as we read through the experiences of these Davis collegiettes™, let me switch to a less-reminiscent state of mind. Class of 2011 (the general graduates, not just the bio major with those out-of-this-world abs and not just the frat stud whose name I’ll never remember but whose silk bed sheets I’ll never forget) you had a good run. Adieu, farewell, and good luck getting girls as good as these Davis Collegiettes™ in the real world ;)
Edited by: Amy Coyle
*Names have been changed