Dear Andi,
I have the classic issue of losing my BFF to a guy. She knows I’m happy for her and I’m not jealous (I have a BF too). I’ve tried talking to her face to face and she cries and says she is so sorry and is gonna try to be around more. I’ve also told her numerous times that her BF is always welcome to hang out and my friends and I invite him everywhere we invite her. I’ve tried making conversation with him but he seems to have no interest in talking to me. We’ve also made set plans to hang and she just won’t show up. She says she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, but she hasn’t been a good friend! What can I do to get through to her?
Thanks,
Just a Phase or Going Our Own Ways?
Dear Just a Phase or Going Our Own Ways,
Managing relationships is never effortless. Often times, when we begin a new romantic relationship, we put all our focus onto developing and working on that relationship. We may neglect to realize that we have other relationships that need work too. All the ‘couple’s skills’ we hear about shouldn’t be limited to romantic partnerships. The skills that society emphasizes specifically for romantic relationships, such as communication, trust, compassion, and understanding, are skills that apply to all of our relationships; whether familial, platonic, professional or romantic.
That being said, I think you have done everything right so far. The first, most important, step when there is an issue between people is addressing the problem. I applaud you for speaking with her as soon as you were bothered. If you hadn’t addressed the issue, then there would be no real hope for a change or solution because she would be in the dark regarding your concerns. It is also important that you have ensured her that her BF is welcome to hang out with your group. Telling her that should have let her know that her friends were happy for her and support her relationship. You have shown that you are a good, supportive and accepting friend. In essence, you have done everything a friend in this situation is to do! Obviously, your efforts have not caught onto this girl yet. The only thing you can really do at this point is be more direct and remind her of what is going on.
It is important to readdress your concerns and reiterate what you have told her before. Ask her if she has time to talk to you, or if she can plan a time to talk to you. If you ask to talk with her before starting to talk about it, you eliminate the chances for her to make up an excuse to avoid the conversation. If she is so busy that you can’t even catch her for a few minutes to readdress the issue, then your only option would be to write her a letter expressing your feelings.
Make sure you remind her:
1. That you have confronted her immediately when she first started acting different
2. That she acknowledged her faults and agreed to spend more time
3. That you have went to great efforts to ensure her that he is welcome anytime
4. That you are happy for her and understand that she is excited
5. That you would never make her chose between her BF and you.
It is important to hit all of these points because the fact that she is being a forgetful and distant friend shows her lack of perception of the issue. She clearly wants to be a better friend. She listens to you, and even gets emotional, each time you tell her your concerns, but she forgets them. If her excitement about her new relationship is distracting her from quality girl time, then it obviously will distract her from the concerns you brought up. Therefore, you need to remind her of everything you have done, and make her realize she has not changed or made any effort.
The fact that she is spending too much time with him is not the problem; rather, the problem is she is not listening to you and not being a good friend. If she wants to spend an excessive amount of time with him, that is her and his issue which will affect their relationship. The only thing that concerns you is the fact that she has been forgetful, unreliable and an outright bad friend. Therefore, that is the issue that you need to raise. Let her know you would never make her pick between him and you. Do, however, give her an ultimatum. Let her know you are always down to hang out, and always will want to spend time with her, but that you have done all you can to try. Tell her if she wants to hang out, she can call you. Leave the ball in her court. You’ve done all you can and to save your friendship that is all that is left to do. Flat out say, “You are my BFF and I don’t want to lose you. I have done so much to make this all work out for you, and you’ve been a bad friend.” I’d love to hang out, but I’m no longer going to go out of my way when I’m getting no response from you. I’m here if you need me, I’m here if you want to catch up.” In sum, tell her, “I have done my part, so what happens to our friendship is up to you at this point.” You not need to be cold or angry, but you need to be assertive.
Everyone loves the honeymoon stage, it is exciting and blissful. But finding a guy that makes you happy doesn’t mean you need to get rid of everything else. Give her a full perception of the situation. Be direct and clear and make sure you tell her that she is responsible for making the next move. Hopefully, if you shed this light on her, she might realize what she has been ignoring: both you and your concerns. If she doesn’t shape up, then you lost a lousy friend, which is hardly a loss.
Xoxo Andi