You have prospects bidding for your affection – maybe he’s a friend, maybe you’ve been on a date (or two), or maybe he’s (God forbid) an ex. Regardless, you don’t want this thing to stick. Don’t worry, you’ve got ways around the awkward let’s-just-be-friends conversation. Just make yourself a little less available or a little more unappealing. Still, take a moment to be flattered; someone obviously likes you! And remember that this doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s okay to want to be alone.
Don’t look at him
Avoid eye contact at ALL and any cost. Look at anything else, or develop a new fascination with walls, the floor, or trees (depending on circumstances, of course.)
Don’t talk to him
Pretty self explanatory. It’s simple too. Just don’t talk to him. And if he does talk to you, roll away. And, if he’s still interested in you, after you just rolled 50 metres… Marry him.
Hiss when he approaches you
So, if for some reason a prospect is approaching you, start hissing. Yes, like a cat. If he’s in his right mind, he’ll be smart enough to stay away from the crazy lady (that’s you).
Make weird noises while you eat
Over exaggerated slurping will work out just fine, while you’re eating toast. Or, perhaps make some crunching noises while you eat your banana. On second thought, don’t eat a banana in front of him. And if all else fails, moan while you eat your delicious pizza. Utilize Josh from ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ as your muse.
Start crying if he holds your hand
Now this, is not only effective, but it’s also a lot of fun. I haven’t tried it myself, but I’m betting it would be really amusing to watch his reaction. If he starts to comfort you, instead of running away, start to…
Diffuse conversation
He asks you a question, your response will ALWAYS be potato.
For instance:
He asks, “Hows your day going?”
Your reply: Potato.
He asks, “What would you like to eat?”
Your reply: Potato. (Okay, that one actually works. But I’m going to assume he doesn’t want a single potato for every meal, every day).
This works with statement to.
He says, “You look very pretty today.”
Your response: Potato.
Potato. It’s just so diverse.
Poke his arms and ask why he doesn’t try harder
Okay, maybe don’t. However, I can guarantee you he will not like it, and he’ll be disinterested in no time.
Mock him
Impersonate his voice (in the most annoying way possible), and repeat his favourite catch phrases. For instance, he says “sure thing” a lot. Repeat it back to him, but really pronounce every consonant slowly, like you have all the time in the world.
Don’t be cute
I know this is against your nature. But don’t do it. Don’t dress nice, don’t smile, and for sure don’t laugh regularly. I guarantee you that shit is way to cute. Don’t push your hair behind your ear (and for the love of god don’t let HIM push your hair behind your ear – if that happens, you’re screwed, you have a boyfriend.)
Don’t… Shower
And definitely don’t use deodorant or perfume.
Be emotionally unavailable
If you’re emotionally unavailable then any prospect will eventually be rejected. It’s less a matter of who you will date, and more a question of when you’ll be ready. (Warning: corny nature ahead.) Instead, you can focus on yourself and what you want, while exploring future endeavours.
Interrupt him
Mid conversati– GRAB HIS LIPS, and push them together. Hold them there for a minute, long enough for him to really look at you and think, “wow she’s insane,” but also not long enough that he graduates the wow-she’s-insane stage and enters the wow-she’s-adorable stage. And do you know what’s after the wow-she’s-adorable stage? Marriage. So whatever you do, just don’t listen or be interested in anything he has to say. And instead, bring up… Potatoes. So, there you have it! If executed properly, you won’t have a boyfriend in no time!
Note, I am not an expert on dating. Not even a little. But I do, however, have some experience of what does not work to lure a guy into liking you. Therefore, I am a self certified professional when it comes to giving bad and unsolicited dating advice. So follow these steps, or even improvise your own, if you want to be alone forever.
With that being said, if for some reason, the prospect still wants to date you after you act like this, give the poor guy a chance. In the long run, it’ll probably prove to be worth it. During that date, maybe shower beforehand, look him in the eyes during, and for the love of God, don’t bring up potatoes.