Terrible relationships tend be categorized by abusive, cheating, and manipulative partners. A terrible relationship always seems to bloom from a terrible person. For people who know me, they know that I have a history of falling into stereotypical God-Awful relationships. When I finally started causally seeing a decent guy, I was shocked that there were guys that don’t cheat. Blinded by this, I naively put more time and energy into our relationship. Little did I know there was a major underlying issue- drug abuse and addiction. By the time I was finally brought into the light of what was actually going on, I was trapped. I was caught in a vicious cycle of trying to escape a horrifying situation while trying to help another person. I eventually became a person I no longer knew. After a year of trying to end the relationship, I finally got out. If things were to be done differently, I would have left the situation before it escalated into a nightmare. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. All I can do is use my experience to learn from my mistakes and steer others from doing the same. This is what I’ve learned from dating a drug addict.
1. Don’t pretend to be okay with situations that you are not okay with
Nothing good will come from staying in situations you are not comfortable with. There is nothing to gain by staying. If you’re surrounded by people on drugs with no way to go home, don’t hesitate to call someone. Wake up your mom or a friend. They may be confused at first, but they’ll be understanding in the end. If I could go back to the many nights of mentally begging to go home, I would tell myself to stop being so scared to ask for help. Don’t ever hesitate to reach out to others.
2. Don’t stay with someone because they guilt trip you every time you try to leave
“I don’t know what I’d do if you left me,” “You’re the only reason I’m not doing hard drugs,” “I want to die,” the other person getting violent. These were common phrases and actions every time I tried to end the relationship. This went on for fourteen months before I was finally able to leave. I was terrified to end the relationship. I thought my ex would end up dead or I’d end up hurt. Being scared and being guilted into staying in a relationship is never okay. If I could go back in time, I would end communication with him immediately when things turned violent or I was guilt tripped. Unfortunately I made the excuse of having “ been through worse” to try to justify staying. Staying to make sure he didn’t overdose should have never been my responsibility.
3. Don’t pretend that you’re happy when you’re not
I was miserable, depressed, and out of answers. The relationship was so horrible and I felt like I couldn’t leave. I reached a point where my thought process was along the lines of “well if I’m dead, I won’t have to be in this anymore.” These are all very obvious signs to get out of a situation. But I was terrified and chose to pretend to be happy. Online and around friends and family I hid how drained I really felt. I was convinced I was trapped in a situation, so pretending to be happy seemed like a way to make it bearable. Instead it only brought confusion and a prolonged relationship. Be open with everything.
4. In some situations, putting yourself first is what needs to be done
I am a very loyal person, even to people that I don’t want to be loyal to or shouldn’t be loyal to. It’s a quality that gets me into trouble from time to time. It can be difficult for me to put my own needs first. When it comes to people who are borderline draining the life out of you, it’s not wrong to be selfish. In this case, it wouldn’t be considered selfish to put yourself first. There is no shame in making yourself your main priority when you are suffering for the sake of others.
5. If you’re lying to everyone, including yourself, RUN
It is a huge warning sign if you can’t be honest with the people who you care about you the most. No issue, no matter how extreme, should be hidden from your loved ones. They care about you and are there to help. I felt like I had to lie about what was going on to my closest family members and friends about the drugs, the drinking and the stupidity. To this day, they don’t know even half of the extent of what took place. I lied to myself constantly, telling myself that I could handle it and that it was going to be okay. In the end, it just broke me down and I ended up isolating myself. I didn’t know how to handle it or how get out of the situation. If you can’t be open and honest within a relationship, with your loved one, and with yourself there is something seriously wrong with the position you are in.
6. Don’t get into a relationship just because you think they’re a decent person
Just because a guy doesn’t cheat, still doesn’t mean he’s worth jack. There are hundreds of good people out there who will treat you right. Work up the courage and self-respect to walk away from a terrible situation. Awful situations can come from decent humans too.
7. Forgive yourself
I don’t blame my ex-partner for what has happened. I honestly blame myself. It was stupid on my behalf to stay in the situation. I had every chance to end the relationship, but I allowed fear and manipulation to get in the way. There were many opportunities to handle the situation differently, but ultimately, I made choices that caused me to suffer. Instead of holding onto what happened, the best thing to do is to simply forgive myself, move on, and positively apply the lessons I learned moving forward.
Drug Abuse National Helpline 1-800-662-4357
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE
Suicide Hotline 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-827-7571